" Come into my parlor said the spider to the fly...."
The Cure, Lullabye
So, this blog is not going to be long because I have the chills just writing it. Spiders, which are members of the Arachnid family, are some of the creepiest m@therf#ckers on the planet. Why are they so scary and creepy looking? Why do they have 8 freakin' legs? Seriously. Who needs that many legs? And no...they can't fly per say, but they can dangle just about anywhere they feel, like.... above my bed when I am trying to fall asleep. That is close enough to flying for me!! (Paranoia and the unexplained itches ruin any decent night's sleep after an event like this occurs.) In fact, I am just going to go ahead and say spiders can fly because I have swatted my fair share of those scary m@therf#ckers sending them flying through the air across the room. UGH!!
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| Thank you Jesus! |
I am not terrified of spiders like I am snakes, clowns, nutcrackers, blue eyeshadow and men who chain women to the radiator in their basement, but they creep me out enough to give them a Defcon 4 rating. It's funny because when I was a little girl, around the age of three, I was fascinated with the spider that lived on our back porch. This little black spider would weave it's web in the 4 inch gap between the cabinet and the wall. Every day I would make my dad go out on the back porch with me to make sure the spider was still there. We even gave the spider a name. Sammy. (I know, so creative. I was three.) Sometimes Sammy was not there and I would become panicked and start worrying. My father would assure me that Sammy probably went out to eat or took a vacation to the shore. That worked for me.
How my father kept a straight face with some of the things I came up with I will never know. When I was three I also wanted to run away from home. I told my parents I was leaving. I had it. It was wintertime. Snow was not only falling from the sky, but about three inches of fresh, powdery snow was covering the ground as well. Didn't matter, I was determined to run away. (I have no idea what pissed me off but something did.) My parents played a long. They helped me get my boots on, my little white furry coat and my mittens. They bundled me up good. My hood was over my head, the strings tied tight. They got my scarf too since it was REALLY cold outside. My father even walked me to the door. When he opened it, I looked outside, realized how dark it was and asked him to walk me to Mam Mam's. (My grandmother, whom lived three blocks away.)
He said he couldn't do that. If I wanted to "run away", I had to walk there by myself because that is what runaways do. I recall standing at the door debating this information for a few moments. I looked at him, looked outside, then looked at him again. I decided I was NOT going to run away after all. I told him I changed my mind. He said okay, closed the door and helped me put my winter stuff away. Nothing more was ever said. To this day I wonder what would have happened had I said "Eff it, I'm going." Of course he wouldn't have let me but I wonder how he would have reacted to that. What would he have said? LOL!
Anyways let's get back to spiders. My son is terrified of them! They are definitely Defcon 5 for him. My daughter isn't a big fan either but my son is bad. If he saw a spider in his room, he would not sleep in there for days. I once had to come home from being out because he was so petrified that two spiders crawled from his ceiling. And the kid was smart. There was no fooling him. I would try hunting down these spiders for what seemed like forever. Of course they were long gone so I would pretend to squish them with a tissue just to calm him. This worked twice. The jig was up when he caught me in a web of lies because the spider I claimed to have killed was in fact crawling up the wall next to me. Son of a bitch! So, needless to say, the next time I had to play Chrissy the Spider Slayer, he looked me straight in the eye, pointed to the tissue in my hand and said those two words I dreaded the most. "Show Me." F@ck!!!
Eventually, after many mother-son spider discussions, he has finally become more brave. He is facing his fear. He will actively kill them himself now. They still freak him out, but he realizes spiders are a part of life and you can't keep moving your bedroom every time you see a spider. You eventually run out of rooms. Yes....I have moved my son's room because of multiple spider sightings. His old room had a roof directly above it so spiders were finding their way in through a crack in the outside roof. He slept in the living room for three weeks while I rearranged the entire house. Thanx spiders. Thanx so much!!
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| Yep...pretty much sums it up. Full Metal Jacket! |
The thing with spiders is this. All but two spider types are venomous. The Orb Weaver, one of the most common spiders on the planet does not have venom. They crush their prey rather than paralyze it. Also, one of the three types of daddy long legs is not venomous either. The weird thing is, the daddy long legs that is not venomous is considered an arachnid but not a spider. Confused yet? Yea...me too. I normally don't get a close enough look to tell the difference.
A spider's venom usually doesn't do much to a human but obviously paralyzes other bugs that get snared in their webs. That is why they have venom, not poison. Spiders are not poisonous, they are venomous. There is difference. Spider bites can be painful but they key thing to remember is, some spiders have enough venom to cause an allergic reaction that could in turn, if not taken care of immediately, cause medical problems. It all depends on the person and in all honestly, the condition of their health when they are bitten. Any type of toxin can weaken your immune system. If you have any type of pain or swelling, seek medical attention. Don't wait.
So anyways, back to my holding of a big spider. My dad worked for Ehrlich. He also studied Entomology as part of his job. He loves bugs. So does my step mother but not because of her job, mostly because she is just....odd? That is why she fits in so well in this family. We are all a little quirky. Okay, we are a lot quirky. We fly the freak flag proudly in this family. Back to the story....My ex husband worked for a pet supply warehouse in the IT department so he went to a few trade shows every year. Some of these trade shows sold exotic bugs. My parents asked him to buy them some crazy ass bugs. So....he did. One of those crazy ass bugs was a Rose Haired Tarantula. ( I know, it is not a bug but whatever.)
OMG!!!! This thing was huge and it had pink fur!! I made him immediately bring the spider over their house along with the huge ass African millipede that ate freakin' pinky mice. Yes people, this bug ate mice because it was bad ass, like honey badger bad ass! There was also the freaky armadillo pill bug looking thing, the black widow spider (dear lord), another creepy crawling creature, something else and let's not forget the freakin SNAKE!!!! Surprise! Didn't see that one coming! Of course he had to tease me with them for like an hour before I made threats which I shall not even get into on here because I am not sure what the statute of limitations is on those type of threats.
Finally my ex packs up all the bugs and the goddamned snake (which he is also afraid of) and brings them over my parent's house. Eventually I make my way over just to see if they like their "prizes". I walk in to see my brother Jamie holding the tarantula. He is fascinated with it. He calls me over insisting I have got to feel this. I look at him like he has three heads. No freakin' way buddy! He persists that it will not bite me and I should face my fears. I go back home. Fuck that!
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| This is prolly the scariest but most caloric burning thing on the planet! |
A few weeks later there is some kind of summer picnic at my parents. Of course the spider and the snakes (my parents now had two) are out because "some" people wanted to see them and touch them and hold them. The insane people that are playing with these scary creatures, include my kid, Heather. She loves snakes. Who knew? Not her mother. I start freaking out about her holding the white corn snake. My mother tells me to calm down. I tell her I WILL NOT calm down. Then my dad tells me Heather is okay, the snake is harmless. I give him the stink eye and walk away mumbling under my breath that if my kid gets bitten, it is all their fault and I will never forgive them.
I don't understand my daughters fascination with snakes. Her father and I are petrified of them although Rick was the one who bought them another snake. Go figure. I sit as far from their vicinity as possible and drink lots of alcohol. Finally my mother puts the snakes away. I begin to breath a little better. Of course, the spider is still out. By now I am inebriated. I don't know if it was my husband or one of my brothers that egged me on about holding the spider but finally I put out my hand and said "Give me the damn thing already. And.........(dramatic pause)......if I die, it's all your fault!!!" I may have been a little melodramatic but tarantulas sometimes call for drama. I also now have the Brady Bunch episode where they are in Hawaii and a tarantula crawls on Greg while he is in bed stuck in my head. Was it Greg or was it Peter? Not sure anymore.
They put the spider in my hand. It just sits there. I become enthralled with it's pink fur. It feels heavy too. Slowly it begins to move. It tickles, like slowly rubbing a natural bristle hairbrush across your palm. I am now in this weird place of fascination and utter fear. I am actually enjoying the fuzzy spider crawling around on my hand.Then one of the smart asses in the room with me breaks my trance. All I hear is, "Oh my god! That is the movement they make when they are getting ready to bite you!" I think it was my THEN husband, now ex husband that said it. My brother chimes in with his smart ass remarks. I am paralyzed now except for my mouth, which is spewing a web of obscenity. I hope there are no children around but I am too afraid to look. I become panicked. I ask one of them to take it from me but no one will. This is exactly why I have trust issues! I am nearing tears now. I don't want to drop the tarantula because then it would get lost in my parent's house and I would never be able to return there again. That makes me sad.
Finally my father comes in the room. I beg him to take the spider from me. He obliges and puts it back in it's cage. This is why he is probably the only man I trust. I am unbelievably furious with my brothers and my husband. "That was NOT funny!!" I snarl at them. I am so incredibly pissed which makes them even more amused. My mother also finds this funny although she does yell at them. That was the first and last time I have ever held a spider of that size. Many people have held that spider and never once did it bite anyone. It was docile enough but just like anything in nature, it's in their nature. You just never know.
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| LMFAO!! |
So...that is my story. It is on my bucket list only because I sometimes like to challenge myself with fucked up things like raw oysters, mescale worms and tarantulas. I like living on the edge. Yea....I'm pretty bad ass. I know.
Chrissy
