Fess on A Shelf

So there is popular the Elf on the Shelf. And it seems this Elf gets into all kinds of mischief. As much as I laugh at the Elf's antics I'm not gonna lie, that Elf freaks me the hell out. He is creepy. I'm sorry but he is. I have issues. I know this. (He scares me! CREEPY!!) Anyways, Fess gets herself into mischief too. This is everyday real life for her. The events that occur are real. So....Fess is going to do her own rendition of Elf on the Shelf. Some catchy names were suggested such as Fess is a Mess, Fess is two inches too tall to be an ELF and is bitter, Fess is really an Elf, Fess in a Box & MILF on a Shelf (LMFAO want to try and keep it at least PG-13 but thanx.). I'm just going to go with Fess on a Shelf. And The Fess on a Shelf is named Chrissy. Chrissy is not reporting anything back to Santa cuz he already knows how she is and feels really sorry for her two kids. I am sure the grown ups are going to be able to relate to some of these things. Let the Countdown to Christmas begin!

#1
The Fess on a Shelf has issues with Christmas lights that work one minute, then after she hangs them, decide not to work. Hedge clippers take care of this problem. Now they will NEVER work! Hahaha!!

Take that mutherfuckers!!

# 2
Fess on a Shelf found the secret stash of Johnnie Walker Black at her parents. Oh snap! She is like a bloodhound. She can sniff out concealed premium alcohol within a 30 mile radius.  3 shots in...... let's go put up the tree. Yippee!!!

You can't go wrong with a little Johnnie Walker ...or a lot! 

# 3
Fess on a Shelf perhaps learned that cows are not the only things that can be tipped and really had the tree fall on her. LMFAO! Then.... because it was so heavy, she had to have her mommy pick the tree up off of her cuz both she and the tree were a little too tipsy thanx to Johnnie Walker.

The tree was seriously falling on me again.

Trying to look pretty when a tree is falling on you while holding the creepy Santa your mom gave you is not an easy task. Just sayin.....

My mommy had to lift the tree off of me cuz I was hammered. 

# 4
Fess on A Shelf may have allegedly broke the dishwasher when a random piece of saran wrap from Thanksgiving leftovers got inadvertently stuck to a dish and perhaps melted and plugged up the jets. The crime scene has been sealed off until further investigation has been completed. In the meantime washing dishes by hand is pretty much gonna suck. WTG Fessler!

I break things. A lot of things. 

# 5
Fess on a Shelf may have accidentally drank the ENTIRE box of wine she bought to make Apple Cider Sangria gifts with Shannan and Ang this weekend. Now she has to go buy another one. Houston.....we may have a drinking problem.

This may happen more than I care to admit. 

# 6
Fess on a Shelf broke up with her scale today. It was being naughty and flashing all kinds of mean things at her on it's digital screen. It wasn't a pretty break-up either. Words were thrown, tears were cried, fingers were flipped. It got pretty violent. One of them may have even been thrown in the garbage can a few times. Perhaps one day they will rekindle their romance, however, today is definitely NOT that day. Go ahead and have another cookie crybaby. Tis the season for elastic waistbands.

I hate my scale!! It tells lies! 

Yea....Fuck You scale!!

#7
Red Cat. Kitty Cat. Fess on A Shelf Cat? Not decorating the tree because watching Unstoppable and playing with the cat is more fun. All I need now is a puppy, some chicken wings and whiskey. 
BTW, There is a lot of pussy in this picture. Just sayin.........

How did they expect me to decorate with so many distractions!!

#8
Fess on A Shelf may have issues working her mother's camera (she totaled her own camera in a drunken incident at the NY Winefest) and also had to take a selfie because her kids are too "busy" to take mom's picture every five minutes so do not mind the photo quality. Anyways, USCS Hazy will have one less goodie from Fess for the cookie exchange because she spent the money on Farmer's Ice Tea instead. I mean hello? It was on sale. 2 for $4.00. Scored five of these babies although my big hair is covering one of them. I do love a bargain, especially when it is on one of my addictions. Farmer's Ice Tea is the original crack of Hazleton!

Hazy Ice Tea....the original crack. 

#9
While everyone else is cleaning their sidewalks, Fess on A Shelf goes outside, watches her neighbor shovel for a little bit, writes her name in the snow, then goes back in the house. She also wrote her name on the car, but didn't clean it off. Of course tomorrow morning she will be bitching about it but football is on NOW. Ain't nobody got time for shoveling.

FESS in the snow! Should be in the MOMA. 

#10
Fess on a Shelf has no idea how such a tragic accident could have happened. Thankfully no alcohol was harmed during this travesty but one of her favorite shot glasses, perhaps taken from one of the area's fine establishments which is no longer in existence, pretty much imploded upon impact with the tile kitchen floor. She asks that we all take a moment and bow our heads in remembrance of the good times this shot glass has provided.

Oh the tragedy!!!

#11
Fess On A Shelf realizes she may be coming across as this raging alcoholic but, she rarely ever feels any rage. So....we shall just say she may have been a little heavy handed when pouring her "apple juice" the other night and that some sipping before lifting may have been necessary due to this heavy handedness. (And perhaps some cleaning of the table and floor around the vicinity where this heavy handedness occurred.)She may have also given herself a nice gash on the thumb when opening the ball jar containing said "apple juice" but gives us the thumbs up because it's all good, even though it really did hurt pretty bad. Here's to the Christmas Spirit!!

Hell yeah I'll drink this.

Honestly....who does this? 

#12
Fess On A Shelf is really tired today and cannot do any baking or clean her messy kitchen because her boss Ed Bernadyn aka Mr.Grinch works her too hard then takes all the credit. Then he makes fun of her and steals all the pizza and picks the oreo pieces off of Larry's cake and giggles his bad banana peel with greasy black spots sinister giggle while he eats them. This is what Fess has been reduced to. You're a three-decker sauerkraut and toadstool sandwich with arsenic sauce Mr. Ed!

Awwww.... This Little Elf has been overworked....or is drunk again. 

#13
Fess On A Shelf felt her Snoopy Tree was missing something. It just didn't seem to say Holiday Cheer. This vexed her very much. So...she hung some handmade ornaments on her Snoopy tree and just wow. What a transformation!!! Of course the bottles were a little heavy for such a delicate little tree so she kindly emptied them. It was a tough job but someone had to do it. It is Christmas and all. Unfortunately not everyone in THIS house appreciates her handmade ornaments. When her son saw the tree he exclaimed "You would do that to the tree!!!" Whatever!

My son took one look at the tree and said "You would do that to the tree. Take them off now!"

#14
Fess On A Shelf is a very naughty and perhaps sick individual whom sometimes fondles her TV when Peyton Manning is on the screen. In this particular photo she was touching his butt and pointing it out for everyone to admire. It is a very nice ass. It should be shared....with Fess On A Shelf. Did you hear that Santa? If Peyton Manning is not under her tree with a big freakin' red bow the Fess is going to show you what the meaning of naughty is!!!!!!!!!! Just putting it out there.

Peyton's butt and my finger. Kinky!

Ginormous Peyton Manning 

#15
Fess On A Shelf and her band of misfit friends were snowed in so they decided to have a Texas Hold Em tournament by the "fire". It got a little crazy. Yukon declared us all lightweights only instead he used the "P" word for a cat. That was really mean! He just drank right from the boxed wine tap then proceeded to say "Yea I tapped that sh@t!" all night long. Hermie kept stealing all of Fess' cigarettes and babbling about teeth. Boring! Santa was being a real bitch about getting his ass handed to him over and over again and tried to blackmail us with coal. Yea, okay. I'll just heat my house with it, mofo! Whatever! Bumble and Rudolph hooked up at the end of the night in Fess' bathroom. She kept hearing Rudolph shout something about making his nose glow long and hard?? Yea...She is now scarred for life. In the end Frosty melted, Karen stabbed Sam the Snowman with an ice skate and Fess locked herself in her bedroom. I love my friends!!!!

The house of misfit everything aka the House of Fess

Selfie time!! So gangsta!!

#16
Fess On A Shelf knows some people never thought they would see the day, she thought it for awhile herself, but alas......this naughty little elf found herself a sweet, funny, handsome, "younger" man under her tree one day and was like "Peyton who?". Guess Santa knew what he was doing after all. Let's all take a moment to wish the Great LB good luck with the rollercoaster ride that is his new girlfriend.....Fess On A Shelf. He needs is just to deal with her clumsy, goofy ass alone. LMAO!!

Ashy Larry <3 Poor Larry as Ed Bernadyn says....ALL THE TIME. Shut up Ed!!!

#17
Oh snap! Fess On A Shelf took Ed Bernadyn aka Eddie's stocking!! ( Cowboy colors?? Seriously? Thought you were an Eagles fan? Such a traitor. Poor Chip and Nick are crying over their cheesesteaks right now. Grinch! No wonder there is a bunch of coal in it!!)

An Eagles fan with a Cowboys stocking. Ed is such an enigma. 

#18
Fess On A Shelf tried to give herself fancy Christmas fingers nails like all the other girls are sporting this time of year. Yea.....the attractiveness of this selfie manicure ranges somewhere between "WTF?", "How could you have possibly even fathomed that this would turn out good?" and " You like to lick windows don't ya?". The voices in her head are all in complete agreement that Fess should only paint her nails a solitary color and leave the designs to the pros. Good Lord Woman!! For the love of god step away from the nail polish!

Yea.... not good. 

Why? Why do I even try? 

#19
Fess On A Shelf is craving all things chocolate and is perhaps eyeing up the kids' chocolate advent calendars. In fact, December 21st and 23rd may even have little IOU notes in their windows now. Surprise!!! It's not like they didn't have 23 other days worth of candy. Tis the season of not being greedy and eating all the candy but for sharing some with your mother in her time of need.

Give me chocolate and no one gets hurts. Well maybe the kiddos cuz I ate all their stuff. 

Just cuz making faces is fun when you are stealing your kids candy!!

#20
Fess On A Shelf may not have her naughty hat on but she felt it necessary to take some time from work to decorate the picnic table with her art. Gary Kreisl Jrmay have had a major part in this beautiful display of workplace talent as well. He likes to cause mayhem wherever he goes. Then maintenance came and put their bags of rock salt on the table and.... Sadly the art was ruined which makes it even truer art. Sighs!

I work hard when I am at work! Seriously...I do!

#21 
Fess On A Shelf believes Santa's Reindeer live in the cabana in her yard. There are deer tracks in the snow all over her yard. Her daughter is insisting they are cat foot prints and not reindeer footprints but Fess is the mom and mom is always right so....they are reindeer footprints and they lead right to the cabana. Fess wants to feed the reindeer but the only thing she has handy is the gingerbread fudge that is so terrible and solidifies the fact that Fess she never, ever, ever make fudge. She swore she would never serve to another human being on the planet even though her daughter liked it. However....may the reindeer would like it. She tries to lure them out with the fudge but gives up after about 2 minutes because it is 15 degrees outside and windy and she is a big baby when it comes to the cold. 

Even Santa's Renideers hate Fess' gingerbread fudge. 

#22
Fess On A Shelf could not be present for this picture because she was covered in sweet and sour sauce. Turns out Its a very projectile type of sauce. Who knew? The Great LB, however, made sure to mention that this sign has never been more appropriate as he stood there is awe at the sheer clumsiness that can sometimes be the entity know as Fess. Lmfao!!

Oooopsies!!! Did I do that?

#23
Happy New Year from Fess On A Shelf, Pabst Blue Ribbon, Canadian Club, The Gallaghers, Johnnie Walker, Your mom, my dad and The NY Giants. Fess On a Shelf is officially stuffed in a box in the back of a closet at her mom's house until next year. You are welcome!! 

Merry Christmas 2013 and Happy New Year 2014!!! Bunny Ears are hawt!

Fess

The NY Giants 2013 Football season summed up in one picture!!