I've wanted to many times, but the thoughts that are swimming in my head are sometimes too hard to put into words.
Hard, but not impossible.
All over the place, yet containable.
This blog was strictly to write about accomplishment. It was not designed for the rambling deep thoughts, random discussions, wacky theories and emotional outbursts of it's author. Yet, that is the running marquee in my head as of late. That is all I want to purge and share. Don't get me wrong, there are some things I just won't share, I'm not an asshole, I'm as private as I am open but there are other things spinning around in this brain of mine. So I ask myself....
Do I create another blog? Or do I incorporate everything? I mean I plan to write about the bucket list accomplishments very soon. But there is other stuff too. This isn't the hardest decision I had to make today, had a few tough ones earlier in the day, so I'm glad to shift my focus to this fluff.
Maybe I'll try incorporating although the OCD organizing personality quirk in me may not find it so aesthetically pleasing and user friendly. Do we wake this sleeping giant? F@ck it. I thrive on internal conflict. It's like comfort food for the demented.
Ready, Set, Ramble....
I made this huge Bucket List during one of the dark periods of my life.
(I've decided I have had way more than my fair share of dark periods in my 41 years and am now staging a protest against...the man? Yea, we are going with "the man" because I have no idea who, what, where, when, why or how I am supposed to protest and in the movies they are always talking about this "man". The Man. If anyone knows where I can find this man, please help a sister out cuz I seriously need to tell him ENOUGH ALREADY!!! Thanx.)
Anyways, I made this huge Bucket List during one of the dark periods of my life.
Why?
Because sometimes, no matter how hard you intently stare into the dark abyss, no matter how far you tread forward through that infinite pitch-black tunnel, no matter how feverishly you claw your way upwards from the dank, filthy depths of rock bottom, you see no light. It's.Just.Not.There.
So...I had no other choice but to create my own light from within myself because giving up is never an option at the end of the day.
Let me tell you, trying to force yourself to glow from the inside out when every thought, emotion and nerve ending in your body is negatively charged and waving the white flag is no easy task.
Luckily for me, I dug deep and found the psychological scars of my past have many uses other than the typical everyday crafting of titanium armor and building of stone fortresses.
These scars gave me the gift of two sub personalities under the umbrella personality of me. Ok, ok, before we all start screaming "I knew it! She's a Schizo." you all need to calm yourself. I am not a schizo. I am not suffering from BPD, DPD, PTSD or any other personality disorder. (BTW...We all have a little of this and a little of that in our personalities. It's called "Life Happens To Everyone" and it's okay.)
These two sub personalities are as natural to me as breathing. I have very little control over which personality is present at any given time of the day although one is definitely more prevalent than the other most times. I am both The Hard, Tough, Mature Woman of the World and The Silly, Vivacious, Easy Going, Little Girl. Both personalities traverse one another. They are both strong, intelligent, compassionate and full of passion. They can both be moody and anxious. They share many of the same characteristics. And sometimes the tough lady is the immature one and the goofy gal is the mature one. Go figure. (Actually, no. Don't go figure. It will make you dizzy.)
Normally the kiddo in me is out and about. I prefer it that way. She's pretty awesome and fabulous. The hard lady isn't nearly as fun but....she is necessary. Anyways it was the kiddo in me that gave me the strength to pull through this dark period. It was so simple really. Channel your inner OCD love for making lists but make it a fun list. Make it a list with purpose. Make it both attainable and utterly far fetched. Add anything and everything to this list.
I already knew what I disliked about life. It was all I was focused on. I was invested in looking for answers to questions where there was either no real answer or the answer was so painful that I would mentally abuse myself to the point where I became nothing but a pile of tears and self loathing hiding under the blankets of life. My thoughts so easily calibrate to all the bad shit that happens to me. It's a constant battle to get out of this mind set. It is said if you can do something for two weeks, it will become routine to you. Of course those two weeks feel like a lifetime but if you can do it, the rewards are good.
I've changed my mindset a few times. It's difficult but doable. I am currently working on not investing much time into the "whys?" of the bad shit that happens to me anymore. I'm still young enough to accomplish and achieve all that matters to me and roll with the punches but old enough to know who I really am and what can and can't be changed about me. Anyways, I could make a huge list about all the things I dislike about life. Or...can I? Can I really? If I said it once, I said it a thousand times. It's all about perspective. The fact that I have an open mind, am capable of adapting my thinking patterns to any discussion, and am a lover of knowledge make writing a list about the things I dislike about life not so black and white anymore.
I can say I hated something, but it was because of that something that I learned a valuable lesson to help me in life. I can say I went through something awful life threw at me but that something awful enhanced my character in a benign manner. Okay, I can say I hate snakes but they do keep the rodent population at bay. The Ecosystem is delicate. Every creature has a purpose. Rats are creepy and have rabies. See...I can't even truly hate snakes. As long as they keep the rats at bay outside a 50 mile radius from me in accordance with the PFSTSOOM agreement, I'm okay with that. ( PFSTSOOM is Protection From Scaring The Shit Out Of Me agreement between me and the snakes. The notary public I went to just looked at me funny when I tried to get this drawn up agreement between me and all snakes on the planet certified so I splashed some holy water on it instead. It seems to be working.)
I began to think back to when I was younger, when the world had just begun to jade and complicate me. Time was still on my side. I read so many books. I wrote so many little stories. I was curious about anything and everything. "Just list everything I could remember from childhood." I told myself. Remember what you were drawn to. Remember what you were passionate about. This is supposed to be fun. Who cares if it is ridiculous. This was supposed to be healing. In fact, you need to do this because this is who you are. You are a free-spirited, spontaneous, happy go lucky little girl. You forgot that along the way but she never left you. She just had to grow up at a very young age. The balance that was lost in your youth can be restored as long as you stop caring what every single person on the planet thinks about you. This is your life. Be you. All of you.
So I went to town. I added the things I really wanted, to see my kids graduate college, to experience love, to achieve financial stability, to have a generally happy and positive life for my loved ones and myself. I added things I was curious to try or experience like ziplining, parasailing and having my palm read. I added exotic locales like Bali and ancient grounds like Egypt. I added things I wish I had done when I was younger like having a tea party, participating in a sporting event and writing a book.
Sure time wasn't on my side as much as it was when I was 10, but it was still moderately on my side. They say you are only as old as you feel and most days I feel 25 so bonus points for mobility. Financially.....well, there's a roadblock. That was okay too though. The things I truly want to have and accomplish in life are a tiny fraction of this list. I know what really matters most to me. And it was only through living and experiencing many lifetimes within my life that I was able to figure this out. Anything else is just gravy. As I became more inspired, I added more to the list. As I added more to the list I found myself slowly finding the energy and excitement to start accomplishing a few things.
All of a sudden, not only was there light but I could finally feel the fresh air and warmth filling my soul again. I felt stronger. I felt happier. I felt like a complete person again. I began inviting my kids and my friends and my family to join me in these adventures. The effects were just as positive and enlightening with them as they were with me. We laughed, smiled, enjoyed, conversed, discovered, and experienced. How is that not an amazing thing? How is that not living life? How is that not a welcome escape from this harsh world we live in? Having goals to look forward to, for me, has been some of the best medication of my life. No prescription needed.
There are still dark times where I can find no light. There are still situations where I find myself slipping deeper and deeper into a slow moving quicksand. Sometimes my reactions to these moments push me even further down into the darkness, suffocating me. Sometimes I have no idea what to do and that scares me. Sometimes I look at this list and it does not give me the light I so very much need. Sometimes I have to look to others for motivation and inspiration. Sometimes witnessing someone else doing something they are passionate about ignites the light within you. Sometimes you just need to take the fall, mend the broken pieces and figure out another way to bring out the light inside yourself, even if that means an attitude or personality adjustment.
The thing about life is, just when you think you figured it out, it goes and throws a curve ball at you.
Just when you finally paint that picture of what it is you want, life takes the brush and starts painting something else.
Sometimes, a lot of times, life is not fair. Sometimes it is downright heartbreaking and cruel. Sometimes it is downright ugly and mean. And the hardest part is, we can't control most of it, yet we still try. Truth is all we can really control is how we decide to survive it. Our coping mechanisms may not make sense to others, but if they make sense to us, and they help us see the light and restore our well being, then go with whatever works best for you. It's your life to survive.
Chrissy
