I wanted to try to get some color gradually and see how it looked on me. So, here is the deal. I am going to tell my tanning story and how much I loved going to the tanning bed. I am also going to tell you why I miss going so much but can no longer go.
My first adventure into the tanning bed arena was quite a memorable one. I had no idea what the hell I was doing. The gals at work had given me some tanning salon tips and pointers and of course I partook in my usual research via Google search engine so, I thought I had a decent grasp on the whole tanning process. Oh how wrong I was. So.Very.Wrong. I failed miserably. I am so glad that there were no cameras in the room because #1, that would be illegal but #2, I would probably receive the Guinness World Record for Biggest Moron on the Planet.
It goes down like this. I walked into the tanning salon and told the lady I would like to try tanning. I asked her what she would recommend for me. She looked at me, noticed I am the whitest woman in America, and stated that since I am very fair, I needed to gradually build my color in the lowest level tanning bed. We were going to start at 6 minutes in the tanning bed then add a minute each tanning session until I either reached a time I was most comfortable with or the max time allowed. "Great!" I exclaimed. That sounded like a plan.
She asked me if I had lotion. I said no. She highly recommended I use a lotion. I highly agreed with her. I had no idea which lotion to purchase though. ( It puts the lotion on it's skin or it gets the hose again. Sorry. Had to.) She grabbed an assortment of little sample lotions and explained what each one did. She did not want to sell me a large bottle of lotion because they are not cheap and since it is my first time tanning and I may decide not to do it again, she didn't want to see me stuck with a $30 bottle of lotion I would never use again. I greatly appreciated her not trying to rip me off. That was really cool of her.
I listened intently as she described the FFBs ( features, functions and benefits) of each lotion but really had no clue about anything so I asked her which one she liked the most out of all the samples. Secretly I prayed that she would pick the pretty pink sample with sparkles and rainbows on it. It was cute, funky and fresh. "Why the hell don't I just pick that one then?" I asked myself. "God I am so weird?" As I was having a typical insane conversation with myself, in my head, she told me she liked the pink package best. Yes!!
This was going pretty well so far. She started ringing up my lotion and tanning session. She handed me a little punch card. Every time I tan, I was to present my card and get a punch. Once I had ten punches I would get a free tanning session. Fantastic. She also explained that if I enjoyed my tanning experience, they offered packages that could save me money. God knows I love a good bargain. She handed me a little hand towel and asked how much time I would need to get ready.
What am I getting ready for I thought? I guess my face must have shown severe confusion because she started explaining that once she set the countdown, the tanning bed would automatically turn on after time ran out. If I turned off the tanning bed, I would not be able to turn it back on. Wow, this was important information to have. I didn't want to mess anything up. I quickly pondered how long it could it possibly take to put on lotion? I asked her how much time was allotted. She informed me that 5 minutes was the maximum amount of time given to get ready. Wow. Five minutes was a long time. It would only take me two minutes to apply the lotion.
I tell her 2 minutes would be good. As soon as I said that, I suddenly remembered that while researching tanning on the interwebz, I read that my eyes needed to be covered to protect them from the UV rays. I didn't want to burn my eyes out. I needed them. Sheepishly I asked her if they sold tanning goggles. She looked at me funny. I told her about my Google research. She laughed and explained that they didn't sell goggles but they did have eye stickers I could use to cover my eyes. She laughs a little more and mentioned that no one ever asks for them.
I grinned and told her that I always had to make an impression every new place I go. I didn't even do it on purpose. She really got a kick out of that. She handed me the stickers then explained how to get to my tanning room. I smiled and thanked her for all her help. She was really nice and patient with me. I felt so giddy inside as I made my way through the door to where the tanning rooms were. As soon as I opened the door, a wave of warmth rushed over me. It felt good. As I peered up the darkly lit stairs, I noticed that overall, it was pretty dim in there. Dance music was pumping through the speakers and the subtle scent of coconut wafted through the air.
I climbed the stairs in search of room #6. There were about 12 rooms up there but it was very easy to navigate.........
Sorry, I had to take a break. I was sobbing over the deaths of Thorin and Killi in the Battle of The Five Armies. Always gets me.
Back to my story. I found room #6 easily. I stepped into the cute little room and locked the door behind me. A sense of panic started creeping in a little as I noticed my countdown to get ready timer was already ticking away. I quickly began to undress. I started flinging my clothes onto the clothing hooks on the wall but in my haste, my clothes kept missing the hook and falling on the floor. I got a complete body workout bending down 50 times to pick my clothes up off the floor because for the life of me, I could not get them to stay on the freakin hooks. Finally I said f@ck it and let the ones that fell, lie on the floor. Ain't nobody got time for this. The clock was ticking people!
As I was shattering the record for most upright stomach crunches in a 30 second period I spotted a spray bottle on the table. Oh Snap! That was why she gave me a towel. I was supposed to spray the tanning bed down first before I got in it. I looked at the timer ticking down. FML! Frantically, I grabbed the spray bottle and started dousing the bed with spray, oblivious to the fact that there was a plastic sign on the bed stating that the bed was already cleaned and sanitized before I got in the room.
Turns out the spray nozzle was very generous on this bottle because the bed was soaked, the floor was soaked and solution was running down my arm. I looked at the clock again. Oh come on!!! I only had a minute left. In a panic, I furiously started wiping the spray solution off the bed with my hand towel, knocking the plastic sign, that I did not read, clear across the room. I ran over to retrieve the sign, read it, then swore about 50 times. As soon as I finished wiping down the bed I did NOT need to clean, I whipped the towel onto the little end table in the room and watched that fall to the floor too. Screw it. It can lie there.
I grabbed my sample of lotion and tried ripping it open. It would not open. Great! I picked the sample that needed a freakin' can opener to open. The package had to be made out of steel because it would not budge. This has to be a sick joke I kept thinking. The insane laughter was starting to fill my head. I ignored the laughter and kept twisting at the sample package, hoping it would open. Bruce freakin' Banner would have had a hard time getting this little pink sample open. WTF?? I guess it didn't help that my hands were still soaking wet from hosing down the ENTIRE room with sanitizer solution. As I was cursing in my head, overcome by frustration, the She Hulk in me came out of dormancy and my freakish strength took over.
Out of nowhere, the package finally tore open but because I had such a death grip on this package, half the lotion exploded out of the package and onto my face, my hair, the wall, the floor and the table. As I was getting ready to unlock the swear vault yet again, I heard this weird vibrating noise start. Fans began blowing and the room lit up brightly. I turned and looked at the tanning bed. "Aw shit!" I exclaimed out loud. Almost instantly though, my aggravation was replaced with sheer panic. "Omg what are you doing dummy? Don't look directly at the light!" I whip back around and start staring at random things in the room to make sure my eyesight is still good.
Thankfully my eyes are still working properly. Hastily, I start slapping lotion all over my body. Let's just say I did not do a very good job. I grab for the little stickers to cover my eyes but because my hands are all greasy from the lotion, I can't get them to peel off their strip. I look over at the clock. One minute of my 6 minute tanning session is gone forever. I am so much taking the full five minutes next time I tell myself. Once I finally get the eye stickers to peel from their backings, I place one over each eye. They are not adhering so well because they are full of lotion but it will do.
Bow chicka wow wow....... NOT. It just was not working out well for me. What did I get myself into I thought. I feel my way to the bed then hop up in it. There is a little cushion for me to rest my head on. I make a mental note to put my hair up in a clip next time I attempt this shit. It is greasy from the lotion eruption and I have to keep playing with it to get it to not pull my scalp off as I attempt to rest my head on the cushion. I love my long hair but some days...........
Finally, I calm myself. As I am laying still on my back in the tanning bed, I notice that the edges of my eye stickers are not adhering so well and I could see the bright light. It dawns on my that maybe she gave me the towel to cover my eyes and face. I was not about to go out and retrieve the towel but next time, that puppy was going over my face. Since I am so paranoid about screwing up my eyes with the UV rays, I place my hands over my eyes to cover them completely.
I then become paranoid that I am going to have hand print lines on my face from covering my eyes with them. I start wondering if anyone else has gone through the same 7 minutes of personal hell that I was enduring. I come to the conclusion that no, no one could possibly have been as inept as me when it came to tanning. I owned this one! Something else strikes me as odd though. I recall the lady telling me that if it got too hot for me, to turn off the tanning bed.
I wasn't hot at all really. Yes my back was a little warm but for the most part, if anything I felt a little chill. Maybe I wasn't hot because it was a low level bed. Or maybe I wasn't hot because I forgot to close the damn lid on the tanning bed. Yes people, for the four minutes of tanning I managed to get in that session, I was oblivious to the fact that you had to close the lid to the bed. That is why there was a handle on the lid. It was there so you could pull the lid down over yourself. I totally blamed Google for this one. Google so much did not cover the "closing of the lid" in my tanning bed research.
After what felt like only 30 seconds the bed shut off. I just lay there dumbfounded by my own stupidity for probably longer than the actual tanning session. Finally, I crawl out of the bed, not worrying about hitting my head on the lid since genius here never closed it. Slowly I get dressed, still in awe over what just happened these last ten minutes. I grab the towel, gather my things and walk downstairs. As I am exiting the door, the nice lady tells me to have a good day. I smile and wave to her.
On the drive home, I was in a complete state of "what the F just happened". I totally stupefied myself. Not that this was my first rodeo where that was concerned. I think more or less it was depth of the ineptitude on my part that had me stunned. Do I go back? Do I try again? I guess so because two days later I was back. Eventually I became a regular pro at tanning, working my way up to the max time allowed. I was in love with the color of my skin. No, I will never be a bronze goddess but it was so nice to have glowing, sun kissed skin.
I became a huge fan of the Ed Hardy line of tanning lotions. Show Girl and Butter Me Brown made my skin feel amazing and healthy. These lotions had so many vitamins, nutrients and skin firming emulsifiers in them. They worked magic on my skin in conjunction with the tanning bed. They smelled wonderful too. Yes, sometimes I burned a little in the bed. And I did get heat rashes from time to time which itched like hell but my self esteem and mental state of mind were good.
I think my self esteem boost and happier mental state had a lot more to do with the absolute relaxation I got in the tanning bed. You see, I have General Anxiety Disorder. When my disorder gets really out of whack, it sometimes leads to depression. Sometimes the depression gets heavy. I have always had lot of issues with trying to relax my mind, body and spirit. Don't get me wrong, I can slack off like nobody's business but, that is not at all the same thing as relaxing. In fact, slacking off is definitely a type of avoidance.
Avoidance is a huge characteristic of people dealing with anxiety. Avoidance is a major catalyst for making anxiety even worse. The more you avoid, the more anxious you become about what you are avoiding, so you avoid it even more. It's a snowball effect and it's horrible. I found that when I laid in the tanning bed, slathered in my luscious lotion, all comfy in the warmth of the rays, building a nice little sweat and some sun kissed color, that my mind would stop racing completely. I was so at peace in that cabana room. I fell in love with tanning.
I could not wait until my next tanning session. I started buying packages. I wanted to go every single day but limited myself to 4-5 times a week. I tanned the entire spring and into the summer. When winter came, I knew my skin would age again. My skin ages every winter no matter how expensive a cream I buy. I always chalked it up to getting older but the aging was usually subtle from winter to winter. However, near the end of that winter, I noticed there were more lines on my face and my existing lines were deeper.
Again, I figured it was because I had entered into my forties and with each new decade of life, there is more acceleration in everything. No lie. It sucks but such is life. We are all going to go through it, if we are so lucky. So, the following spring I did my tanning thing again. And things were going well like they did the year before. I was loving my color. My mind was so relaxed. My skin was plump and fresh thanks to the humidity in the warm spring and summer air. My self esteem was good and my anxiety practically dormant.
Then it happened. Near the end of June I developed what I thought was a basic heat rash. Only this one did not go away so fast. I did not go back to the tanning bed for a week. When I did go back, my skin broke right back out. Turns out, I had Dyshidrotic Eczema. And no, I did not catch it in the tanning bed. It's not contagious. Allergies and anxiety along with my chronic hand washing are most likely the culprits. I have dealt with this type of Eczema here and there throughout the years but it seemed the tanning bed brought it out way more.
So while the tanning bed relaxed me and assisted in reducing my anxiety, it also brought out an annoying skin disorder. My hay fever and household cleaners did not help matters either. Factor in that I was getting older and we now had the perfect formula for a nuisance skin disorder. So while this was a problem in itself because the eczema was stubborn in disappearing, it was the following winter and even more aging on my face that brought about my decision to cease tanning altogether.
I had no choice in aging. None of us do. It was going to happen. However, I did not have to help accelerate the aging process with tanning. It sucks too because I always brought a thick towel with me to cover my face in order to protect it from the rays. Unfortunately, the UV rays can still get through thick, heavy towels. I also always wore high SPF on my face when tanning. That was not enough either. If you go in a tanning bed, you are leaving the skin on your face vulnerable to damage. End of story. Sighs!!
It was also starting to weigh heavily in my mind the fact that both my dad and grandfather had skin cancer. Thankfully it was basal cell cancer, which is non malignant, but it still required both of them to have a few surgeries. Again, I do enough damage to myself already with some of my more established "not so great" habits. Did I really need to add to that? I decided to sit down and really weighed the pros and cons on tanning vs. not tanning. I decided to pass on tanning for the present moment.
Of course I was very bummed when I did not go tanning the following spring. I missed it very much because I enjoyed it very much. Also, I still haven't found an activity I can enjoy on a day to day basis that is comparable to the relaxing effect tanning had with me. I need to find 15 minutes of something that will assist in boosting my self esteem while allowing my brain to drain of all thought. I may eventually go back to tanning, I'm a never say never type of gal but, it's been almost two years and I have no plans to go tanning this year either.
In the meantime, I have tried a few self tanners. They are just not the same thing. Some of them are horrid, leaving your skin aglow with this awful, orange, Doritos, tint. Who wants to sport that look? Not me. Then there are other formulas out there that aren't so bad. They still have a slightly weird odor and applying them evenly is always a challenge but all in all, they are pretty good. This past winter I received a few samples of self tanners from Ulta that I am very excited to try this Spring. If they work well, I will pay the money to purchase them. Finger crossed.
In closing, I do not judge anyone for tanning nor did I write this to lecture anyone. You do you just like I have to do me. It's all good. There is enough lecturing and judgement on social media. Most of it unwarranted. I'm not here to contribute to that shit. I wrote this because it was a small but curious goal on my Bucket List that I not only achieved but also enjoyed immensely and miss very much. Whether you are a beautiful pale goddess, a sultry sun-kissed mermaid, or a gorgeous naturally dark skinned princess, you are all stunning creatures in my book. Get on with your bad self girlies!
XOXO Chrissy
