#169 Have A Day At The Races

The most fascinating thing about opening yourself up to new things is that once in awhile, you find yourself enjoying something you never believed you would. I am a gambler but not in the way most people would think upon first seeing that word. I take chances. I takes risks. In my old age I have become more decisive upon which risks to take, but when I do make up my mind to take a gamble, I dive head first into it. It's the only way to go as far as I'm concerned. All in or no dice.

Hats and dresses for Derby Days

As for gambling such as visiting the slots and the tables at casinos and so on, I just never had much to desire to do so. Mainly it was because I really can't afford to. It stings when you lose hard earned money. I think everyone would agree with that statement. Now when it comes to football, that's a different story completely. I always gamble with football but I am also very knowledgeable when it comes to the sport. The odds of my winning are greater. And even with football, it is rare I am willing to risk a serious amount of money since I am the only income. I am the breadwinner. If I lose, so does the house.

Two years ago a group of us went for Thai food in the WB. Everyone decided to go to the casino. I was outnumbered. We had arrived late but a friend in our party was an avid horse racing fan. He led us through the casino to Pocono Downs, the horse racing track built in 1965 in which the new casino was built around.

Pocono Downs is known for it's harness racing. When my son was little he used to watch the horse racing on the PCN channel, but I had personally never been to the track. I was surprised at how nice it was. It was a lot larger than I had expected as well.

Most of us had never bet on horse racing before so we had no idea how to go about it. A very sweet, patient lady behind the counter gave us a quick crash course on betting for races. The last race of the season was about to begin. She said we could go outside and watch the horses. They walked them around the track before the race. After we saw the horses, we could come inside and give her the number of the horse we liked best.

My one friend said she picked horses by the color of their tail. Another picked her horse by name, something I find myself doing now too. This time however, I just liked the way the #7 horse, Fire By Night, looked. He was a handsome horse. We went back inside to place our bets. I picked #7 to win. It was $2. I didn't know what the odds were on him. I just went with my gut. We all went back outside into the brisk October night air to watch the last horse race of the season.

My first horse wager won. #7 Fire By Night

I was yelling and screaming and jumping all around when they started racing. We all were. This was really fun I thought to myself. Then, my horse won! I was so excited. I had no idea how much I won so I went back inside and handed the very nice, helpful cashier my ticket. She flipped it through her little gambling machine. I won $28 dollars on a $2 bet! Wow! She congratulated me as she handed me my winnings.

I was thrilled! I think I found something other than football I could wager on. I knew nothing about horse racing but I knew I was having a good time with it. I enjoyed it. I could spend all day here with $20-$30. Besides, you can learn just about anything you put your mind to, but you can't force yourself to enjoy something. You either do or you don't. All I knew was I couldn't wait until next year.

2012 Race Year

The following spring Miss Becky B mentioned that some of her co workers were going to Pocono Downs for the Kentucky Derby. Would I like to join her? Well of course I would. I asked her if we could wear hats. She already had it covered she informed me. I was too excited.

The lovely Rebecca waiting for the ponies! 

I recently bought a new sparkly gold skirt I was dying to wear and a new red lipstick I had not yet had the nerve to show off. Becky got some flowers and lady bugs to put on our hats. They were red. Now I had to try out my red lipstick. It matched my hat. And, I love ladybugs; they are great luck.

A few days before the race I looked online to see who was slated to run the derby. Immediately a name jumped out at me. "I'll Have Another". Yep, that's my horse. You see, there was this somewhat immature group of rowdy kids that once worked together at Network Solutions.

This group may have been the type to send emails to one another with pictures of Dave Chappelle as Rick James with sayings such as "Unity", "Fuck Yo Couch", " What did the 5 fingers say to the face?", "I'm Rick James Bitch." " I'm gonna grind my feet in your couch" and so on. You get the picture.

The usual retort to one of these emails was "Buy Another One", which then set off a spawn of even more Rick James emails. Now I'm not saying I was involved with this notorious group of renegades. Nor am I admitting that I may have partook in these infamous email chains that would sometimes last for days on end and include half the company. In fact, I may have never instigated a few email chains myself. But, I'm not denying it either.

Either way "I'll Have Another" sounded very similar to "Buy Another One". So I went with that. He was my horse

I think they said buy another one! 

When we arrived for the derby that day we were floored by how crowded it was. We had to park along the road in some back lot two miles from the casino. (Well not exactly that far but it seemed like it. ) As we made our way towards the casino, I noticed many hats on many ladies. Some were basic hats like mine. Others were very ornate, all decked with feather and flowers, glitter and tulle, plumes and horseshoes. Some ladies were dressed to the nines in bright colorful dresses and high heels.

I kept walking into people because I was so busy checking out all the get-ups. It was more than I had expected. It was downright awesome. Once we made our way to Pocono Downs seven hours later, I gasped. The lines to all the cashiers were huge! People were backed all the way into the lobby. I told Becky I would wait in line and place the bets while she grabbed the drinks. Race time was in exactly one hour. There was no time to spare.

Holy Crowd!

As I stood in line I started to become panicked. We were not moving nearly as fast as I hoped. I kept pulling my phone out of my purse to check the time. I'm not going to make it in time I kept thinking. To make matters worse, while people watching in line, I noticed just about everyone had a piece of paper with the horses listed on them.

I did not have that. Did I need that? I hope not because I was not about to lose my place in line. I kept staring at the papers everyone was holding. Finally I asked a gentleman next to me if I needed one of them to place a bet. He said no but it came in handy because you usually bet by spot for big races.

I smiled and thanked him. I felt a wave of relief wash over me for about, oh say, five seconds. Spot? I have no idea what spot my horses are racing from. I so suck at this I tell myself! I look at my phone. 20 minutes until race time and there are still ten people in front of me.

I notice an elderly woman standing across from me with a paper. I politely ask her if I can have a glance at it. She eyes me up and down nervously. I explained to her that I have no idea what spot my horses are running from and that I didn't want to hold up the line anymore than I had to. She finally smiled at me and let me look at her paper. I skim it over, find my horse spots and hand the paper back to her in what had to be ten seconds. I start running the spots through my head. I also decide to take a self portrait of myself waiting in line because why wouldn't I?

My first Kentucky Derby Day 2012

As I inch closer to the counter with each passing gambler I overhear two people next to me discussing the bets they were going to place. The woman said she was taking this horse to win and this horse to show. The gentleman said he was taking two horses to win, place and show and rattled off about five other horses he was picking to win or place or show.

OMG! What the F are they talking about? I have only ever bet on one horse race. I picked him to win. What is all this place and show stuff they are talking about? Should I ask them? Perhaps now is not the time I remind myself. I didn't want anyone to know I was an amateur. I didn't want anyone to know I suck at this. I'm just gonna fake it I decide.

I am still listening to them go back and forth, straining to get any tidbit of information that would bring some sort of understanding to this Win, Place, Show stuff when I hear the crowd behind me really starting to get antsy. People are yelling "Hurry up" and "Let's go, the race is going to start." I look at my phone. 6 minutes to race time. I am next to the counter. The guy in front of me is very quick. He must really know what he is doing I tell myself. It is my turn now. I remain calm, walk to the counter and decided to place all my bets as win, place and show like the guy next to me in line was doing.

I may have choked a little when the cashier handed me the tickets then requested $24 of my hard earned money from me. I had Becky's bet too I reminded myself. I whipped out my money, handed it to her, stashed my tickets in my wallet and fought my way back through the crowd. I needed to get my hands on a drink fast. I did way too much speculating and fretting over the past hour. I needed alcohol. Lots of it!

As I make my way to the outside, I glance back at the hundred people still in line. 4 minutes to race time. I feel a little bad for them. Then I make a mental note that next year, I will not only know what the hell I am doing, but I will arrive a little earlier. This was too close for comfort. Stepping out the glass doors, I start breathing in the fresh air. It was so stagnant while waiting in line.

I scan the crowd below for Becky. She is her chatting with some of her friends. My gold wedge sandals sometimes slip in my feet so I carefully make a dash down the steps towards her while making sure the slip under my sheer gold skirt is pulled down. I gave a peep show earlier in the day at the gas station. I did not want to have a repeat here. I manage to not fall down the steps. "Yes!" I say to myself. It's the little things in life right?

As soon as I get there Becky hands me a drink with a mint leaf in it. What is this?" I ask her as I take a sip. It is good. She informs me that it is a mint julep, the official drink of horse racing. I want another one I think to myself. In other words "I'll have another!" It's race time!!! We all turn to the big screen.

Derby Days 2012

The horses are lining up. Go big or go home. And like the flip of a switch, we all go insane. We are all yelling, screaming and jumping as the horses take off out the gate. It is so fast. Becky and Megan are yelling numbers. I don't know what my horse's number is.

"Duh! It's your spot dummy." I tell myself. I start jumping up and down while spilling my drink on everyone and everything within a 500 foot radius. My horse is in the middle of the pack. I am screaming his name but a horse named Bodemeister is running incredibly fast. I don't think any horse is going to catch him.

All of a sudden I come to a halt. My eyes go wide. "Holy F!" I think to myself. My horse has just opened the biggest can of whup ass I have ever seen in my life. It was like he said "Ok, I'm done toying with these other punk ass horses. It's for real time bitches." And off he goes. I may just win this. I'm stupefied for a few seconds.

Then the for real screaming begins. I go hoarse as my horse crosses the finish line. That's my horse I scream, pointing at the screen. I start dancing around like a crazy woman yelling "My horse won! My horse won! My horse won!" You would have thought I was the owner of the horse the way I was celebrating. People are congratulating me. I am thanking them like the proud "non horse owner" I am. I do NOT suck at horse racing after all I tell myself.

Becky asks me where my ticket is. I rip out all the tickets from my wallet, spilling mint julep all over myself for the fifth time. I'm surprised there is still any liquid left in my cup. I hold up all my tickets to her, smiling like a little kid. I wonder how much I am going to win because I played win, place and show. My horse won. He placed first. And, he showed in first. Woohoo!!

Becky laughs and directs me to where I can cash in my winning ticket. She tells me to show the lady all my tickets in case I won more. I practically skip to the cashier with this big ass grin on my face telling everyone that crosses my path that I won. More congratulations are offered to me. That's right people. I am so bad ass!

The lines to cash in the tickets are not nearly as long as they were to buy them. I get to the counter pretty fast. When it is my turn I prance over and hand the lady all of my crumpled tickets because I have held them in a death grip so I would not lose them.

I then proceed to proudly tell her that I won the Kentucky Derby. She looks at me with a huge grin, laughs at me and tells me congratulations. She runs all my tickets through the machine and hands me $48.00. I am so excited. I more than doubled my money. I thank her and skip back out to my friends.

At this point in time it does not dawn on me that I won on multiple tickets. Mind you, I thought I won all my money on "I'll Have Another" winning, placing and showing. It will be almost another year before I realize that I was such a young, naive, horse wagering lass. A lass that actually told the cashier she won the Kentucky Derby.

My first Kentucky Derby wager. I won! 

Did you jockey the horse Fess? No. 
Do you own the horse Fess? No. 
Are you the actual horse Fess? No.

Then you did not win the Kentucky Derby. You won a bet. Here's a cookie. Now go sit on the bleachers, shut the F up and drink another mint julep and any other reject drink handed to you. That-ta girl!

I spot my friends Rob, Herb, Michelle, Kim and Randy in the bleachers and tell them the fantastic news. More congratulations. I am now on my fifth mint julep. These juleps are tasty! Becky and her friends head to the casino. I tell her I am going to stay and watch more horse races. Herb is a master horse better. Is that what you call them? I don't know. I make shit up all the time. It's called Fess-speak.

Herb is studying the upcoming races intently. He is very quiet. His wife Michelle says she does not care for her mint julep. I help her out and drink it for her. Rob steals my fancy hat as I suck down my mint julep to make room for Michelle's. The bleachers are starting to sway. I may have taken my shoes off. Rob's sister and I start talking while Rob and Randy bust one another about wearing flannel and being dumb. I begin to feel the drunk starting to take hold on me. I overdid it again. I pray I don't get sick.

I feel pretty, oh so pretty! 

I start staring into space. I must have sat there awhile because Rob grabs my arm and says "Let's go bet on some horses." He helps me find my shoes then assists me to the shack to place my bets. I can barely stand but I make it to the shed and manage to tell the lady my horse, sort of.

Saying I'll take the Mustang one doesn't seem to resonate with the cashier because she looks at me like I have two heads. Finally, she shows me the paper so I can point the horse out to her. She laughs when she realizes what I meant. I inform her I am drunk. She gives me a "Yea. no kidding" look and laughs again.

It's the last race of the night. I drunkenly cheer my horse on but he really isn't that good. He finishes last. Oh well. I won the Kentucky Derby I laugh to myself. By now it is late. Becky has come back to collect me. She laughs at my inebriated state but is not the least bit surprised. She hangs out with us for awhile as I gather my shoes, hat and jacket. That takes about fifteen to twenty minutes. Such a silly girl.

Trying to say my goodbyes to everyone while not to falling off the bleachers or down the steps is quite a project. This takes another twenty minutes. I may be giving a peep show again but at this point I don't care. On the way home I tell Becky how much fun I had. She said we will definitely do this again next year. That makes me smile. I enjoyed having a day at the races. It was super fun and awesome. Onto 2013!

2013 Race Year

The winners of the Parade of Hats. 
So pretty in purple!

This year I decide to look up "Horse Racing For Dummies" online. Yea, I totally did that. It's all good. Sometimes we all need a little help. I also do more research on the horses running the Derby this year. The only drawback is, I am a gut person. My gut is rarely wrong. I know this. When I start thinking too much, I set myself up to fail. And I did. But we will get to that later.

Enter my pal Ed. Ed and I bet on a lot of sports. Ed is very smart when it comes to gambling. Ed and I like to place ridiculous bets. Three days before the race, Ed calls me into his office all serious. All I could think was "Great, what did I screw up this time?" I walk into his office. His back is to me. I sit down in the chair farthest from him in the corner. It seemed fitting to put myself in the corner.

While he is typing away my mind starts wandering. Did I forget to schedule a truck? Did I put the wrong carrier in an appointment causing the warehouse to load the wrong truck? Did my sarcasm when dealing with certain personnel create the need for yet another conference call? I vaguely recall mentioning to Ed a few weeks earlier that I couldn't help that I was smarter than everyone I had been dealing with while scheduling.

Finally, Ed turns to me, sternly and speaks. "Fess, we got a problem." I hold my breath. Oh boy, this one is gonna be bad I think. I lower my head like a little kid and look up at him like a puppy that has been scolded for chewing a shoe. "What did I do this time?" I ask almost sheepishly. The serious look has not left his face. "Fess, you are not helping me figure out these horses for the race Saturday. I have no idea who to pick and I am betting against my dad. There is $12 on the line and I have no clue at all what to do. What's going on?"

It took every ounce of strength not to dump all of his pens on the floor. EVERY TIME I fall for this. EVERY TIME! He always does this to me and I always fall for it. I breathe out a little sigh of relief then tell him my gut is torn between Overanalyze and Orb. He says it's all war horses this year and Revolutionary is running from the fifth spot. The first and fifth spot have produced the most winners.
I explain to him I usually throw in a long shot and Black Onyx at 50-1 is running from the first. I am taking him as my long horse.

Then he starts talking about the cat horses. I do not like any of the cat horses I inform him, although the one is a long shot too. All this over analyzing helps me decide to go with Overanalyze as my gut pick. That and honestly, I have been over analyzing so much stuff in my life lately. It seemed right to pick him although Orb was the first one that came to my mind when I initially saw the line up. I would take Orb as my third and final horse. Ed recommends Revolutionary be my third horse. Okay Ed. Thanks!

The lady in red, julep in hand. Derby 2013

As I walk out of his office, I also come to the conclusion that I need a red dress to match the red flowers on my hat and my red lipstick. My tall slender friend Ang offers to lend me a sundress of hers to wear. I look at her like she is on crack. There is no way I am stretching her dress I tell her. She is a size 1-2. I am a size 6-7. There is a 5-6 size gap between us. She says it will fit me, just might be a little tight up top.

I don't believe her but she brings it in the next day. I head to the bathroom to try it on and to my complete amazement she is right; it fits. She even helps me adjust the straps since I am about 6-7 inches shorter than her. I am so excited to wear the dress for the Derby. I love it. Now I was wishing I had red shoes too but my gold wedges will do again. Got to break up the color a little bit I tell myself.

That Saturday I make a final decision on my horses. Overanalyze, Revolutionary and Black Onyx. I debate betting on Orb too but I don't have that much money. (Boy was that a mistake!) Becky's almost confident with her picks. She is taking Normandy Invasion. We keep our vow to leave earlier this year. As we are driving to the casino, Ed texts me. Black Onyx has scratched. I become panicked and a little upset. I really liked that horse. I don't have my paper handy because why would I have THAT on the DAY of the race. That would make too much sense for Fessler.

I ask him who the next long shot is but he has already texted me back saying Charming Kitten is the horse to beat at 29-1. Him and those damn cat horses I laugh! Okay. I'm in. Charming Kitten it is. F it! As we arrive to the casino it is bustling. But this time, we actually find a parking spot. We take the shuttle bus to the racetrack. Lots of fancy hats and dolled up ladies are strolling about again. It is so much fun to see. As we enter the lobby the lines are still lengthy, but not nearly as bad as last year.

Same deal as last year, Becks gets the drinks and I place the bets. As I stand in line I notice people holding papers with all the horses listed on them. I smile a little when recalling how freaked I was the year before about those little papers. It's all good though cuz this year I know what spots my horses are running from. I am so much not an amateur this time around. I am seasoned! As I breath out a little, the panic rushes over me suddenly like a huge crashing wave.

Just stunning!

Black Onyx scratched. Does that mean the spots have changed? No!!! I have no idea if the spots have changed. I try craning my neck to get a look see at the papers the people are holding around me . I can't see jack. Do I really have to ask someone to see their paper AGAIN? What an amateur. Plus, the lines are moving much fastwer this year. No worries, I tell myself. I subtract one spot from my original picks. Those are the new spots. But are they really? JFC I don't know!

Suck it up goofy head and ask someone if you can look at their paper I yell at myself. Glancing up at the TVs above my head I see they are showing the spots. They have not changed. Whew! I can breath again. Thank god! I make the counter in a record fifteen minutes. Nice! I place my bets, grab my tickets and head to find the Beckster.

As I make my way to the outdoors, people are checking me out left and right. I tell myself Red is definitely my color. I look good. I also discreetly reach around and feel my butt to make sure I did not tuck my dress in my pantyhose. Nope. We're good. I just look that hawt. Or I have red lipstick all over my face. Sometimes that happens.

Becky and Megan are standing by the benches near the track. We all look hawt. We go by the fence and get some pics. Megan tells me I also need to take pics of everyone in their hats for my blog and that I need to start writing it again because she loves my blog. She is right. I need to start writing in it more. It's one of my favorite things to do. It is therapy. It is my life. It is me. And I have a few fans it turns out. That is always so nice to hear.

A lens full of pretty, hat wearing ladies. 

Walking about, I start snapping pics of all the lovely ladies roaming around the track in their hats. Some of them have really gone all out. The judges for the Parade of Hats definitely have their work cut out for them. The competition is going to be tough. I pick the sisters dressed in lavender and white to win the parade of hats. They look Kentucky Derby perfect.

Somehow Becky mysteriously gets entered into the parade of hats as well. She even has a number. She opts not to march because she doesn't want to show up all the other ladies. Sighs. Sometimes it is so hard being a superstar. So many haters and all. It was very gracious of her to stand down. Because of her kindness, the sisters in lavender and white win the contest. I should have put my money on them. Seriously!

I love the little stick horses. A+ for great props.

Two generations of hat wearing fans. So sweet! 

Loved the gold horseshoe and the big blue flower. Blue is my fav. Nice job ladies!

The track isn't as crowded as it was the year before which was surprising. I walk back to my group. We all have some drinks and laughs as we eagerly anticipate race time. I keep looking at the big screen. WTF? All of a sudden my heart sinks. The track is wet. This changes everything. I try to recall everything I researched about the horses. I studied jockeys, owners, how horses ran on different tracks, how many wins each horse had, when their last win was, everything but weather conditions. I scan my brain; I have a photographic memory. In my mind, I begin pulling up website articles but I am not nearly as sharp as I used to be. Orb?? Goldencents? The film is not developing in my head. Damn!

I contemplate placing another bet but I had a budget and I needed to stick to it. I suck it up and take my chances with the horses I already picked. I chose win, place and show for all of my horses. Besides, nothing is ever guaranteed anyway no matter how much studying you do. While I was going through the debate in my head I noticed Shannon and Megan quizzically looking from the big screen to the actual race track several times.

I have no idea why they are doing this but I am intrigued. It's quite comical because they keep doing it. Finally one of them, I believe it is Shannon, says, "I don't get why the racetrack looks wet on the big screen. The track is dry." Becky starts snickering. I choke on my drink. Megan chimes in "Yea, I was wondering that myself." They keep looking from the screen to the track very puzzled. Finally I can't take it anymore. I have to say something to them.

Looking to both of them, I gently say, "The track is muddy because Churchill Downs is in Kentucky, where it is raining. We are at Pocono Downs in Pennsylvania, where it is not raining." It was so hard keeping a straight face. "Oh yea!!" one of them exclaims. We all start rolling. I find it even more humorous because this is so much something I would say. My blonde moments are epic. What is even funnier is Shannon forgets where she is several more times. I catch her looking at the screen then the track a few more times. It's a riot.

Gorgeous hats for sale in Saratoga Springs. 2015

After what seems like an eternity, but is really only twenty minutes, the horses start lining up. We all walk over to the fence, closer to the screen. And just like last time, the bell rings and we turn into crazy people. The crowd is mellower this year so people are not quite as animated as we are. We are definitely standing out. Becky is by far the loudest, screaming cheering on her #5 horse. I am cracking up listening to her.

Overanalyze isn't do too well. I am hoping Revolutionary does something or even that cat horse Ed told me to bet on. As soon as the thought enters my head, I hear them mention Charming Kitten. My heart starts racing, but it is false hope. The horse to beat my ass! As I am watching the race I become very worried for the horses.

I start praying none of them fall. That would be so devastating. The track looks so slick and muddy. As the horses come around the final bend, Orb makes his charge. Palace Malice, who has lead the whole race begins to fade. Orb charges across the finish. The crowd goes wild. I feel like hurling. Always trust your gut I scold myself. My heart sinks. Why why why did I not pick him? I scan the big screen to see if any of my horses did anything.

Saratoga Springs NY 2015 Derby

Turns out Revolutionary finishes third. Ed was right about him. Great! Well it's something I tell myself. I will get some money for him placing and showing. Right? Wrong!! Wrong again Fess. You obviously did not study your Horse Betting For Dummies article very well did you? Epic fail!

Maybe you should have had Ed quiz you on the article. Okay, maybe not. His questions would have all pertained to pizza and Wild Turkey. They would have had absolutely zero to do with horses or the article. Maybe cats, but not definitely not horses. However, Ed's rambling would have driven me crazy enough to read the article again rather than hear how he feels strongly that there should be a horse named Pizza Thirsty or Pizza Kitten next year.

Megan's husband Jeff was the one to enlighten me. He explained that in order to win for place, your horse needs to finish first or second. "Ohhhhh!" I exclaim. That actually made sense to me. In the back of my mind I had always wondered why they had place and show if they were the same exact things.

Well wonder no more my dear. They are not the same thing. Epic Blonde moment for the day is now in the books. Hey, at least I knew we were in Pennsylvania right? Megan and I both have winners so we head over to the cashier to cash in our tickets. They have a machine you can slide your tickets through to see if they won. We start shoving all our tickets in the machine. I won $5.40. Not as great as last year but a win is a win. And...I had a complete blast.

We drink some more as the racetrack clears out. Last year more people hung out to watch the harness racing. As the harness horses take the track, Megan says she wants to bet on more horses. So do I. Becky insists we go bet on more horses. She always knows how to promote fun. So, Megan and I stumble down the hill towards the cashiers. When we enter the building, we notice there are machines we can use to place our bets. Nifty! We head over to them and wait our turn.

The puppy derby before the Kentucky Derby.

Megan informs me that I will have to help her because she is drunk and never used the machines before. We are both SOL because I am drunk and never used them before either. She just shrugs it off and says we will figure it out. Of course we will. We are smart chicks. As we wait for a machine to open there is a guy doing some mad betting at one of the machines. I lean closer to him to see what he is doing but he is hitting buttons so quickly that I can't follow him.

I become so focused on trying to figure out what he is doing that I don't notice him noticing me. Finally I look up and give a nervous smile. Maybe I should ask him what he is doing. That is a great idea! But as soon as I go to open my mouth, he turns back to the machine, practically blocking the entire thing with his whole body. Really buddy? Do you really just do that?

My mouth drops. I cannot believe this goof doesn't want me to see what he is doing. Being blatantly obvious, I lean over even more, standing on my tippy toes to see what he is doing. The brim of my hat is touching the back of his shirt. I will not be denied. I practically fall into Megan who is now trying to enter money into the machine. My focus has been diverted. The machine won't take her $5. She furiously flips it a few times then adds some dollar bills. I look at the screen. She has $7.00 in the machine. It did take her five.

All the horse tracks across the country appear on the screen. There are three pages of them. As she is flipping through each screen, I notice Pocono is listed as having two tracks. There is Pocono day and Pocono evening. I try to recall what time of the day it is. OMG Chrissy, it is like 7:30 at night. Pretty sure that qualifies as evening. You see, I lost all concept of time this past January. Not sure how it happened to be honest. All I know is it is completely gone. I don't think it is ever coming back either.

I direct Megan to the Pocono evening button. From there, it displays the races as well as the horses running each race. She selects a horse and tries to place her bet but it won't accept her bet. She flicks back through the screens then tries again. Finally, she does something that allows her to place a bet but I didn't catch it since I am still trying to see what Secretive Sam is doing next to us. I get dizzy watching him fly through the screens.

F it. I give up. This is too much work. I turn back to Megan; she is pressing buttons like crazy. I notice she didn't select Pocono this time. She selected some track out west. Before I could stop her from betting, she presses something and tickets come flying out of the machine. She turns and says "Okay Fess, it's your turn." I tell her to check her tickets because one of her bets isn't for Pocono but she doesn't seem to care. She is content and having fun.

It's all good. We can run them through the machine later and see if they won. I take my place in front of the machine and try to enter my five dollar bill. It won't take it. Megan tells me to flip it around and upside down but both my gross and fine motor skills are shot to hell. I get in a battle of wills with the machine. "You will take this $5 and you will like it" I inform the machine.

Finally after 17 attempts, the machine takes my money. I find Pocono Evening and press the button. It shows me the horses. I take all the long shots. Now, It won't let me place my bets. Unlike Megan though, nothing I seem to press is working. The machine will not accept my picks. WTF? I kid you not, it took 8 attempts to place my bets.

Why 8 times you ask? Well, for starters, you have to pick an amount to bet. That would help. Number two, you have to do each horse individually. Hitting the same three horses 30 times on this machine just pisses you off to the point of insanity. And number three, I honestly have no idea how I finally got my bets to go through. I just pressed every button imaginable. I think the machine felt sorry for me and just spit some tickets out so I would go away.

Derby Day 2016

Megan and I climb the little slope back to the benches where the rest of the gals are. Becky and Shannon ask what horses we picked. I tell them number #4 is my favorite to win. Becky looks at the horses on the track. "Oh, you picked the horse that is running the wrong way?" she asks with a laugh. I look at the track. Really?

Yep, my horse is running the wrong way. I picked the retarded horse. Somehow that is so fitting. Then a guy on another horse comes over to my #4 horse and grabs it's bridle. He turns the horse the right way and proceeds to help my horse walk around the track. Fantastic. I picked the gimpy horse that can't even make it around the track without help from another horse. Show me the money....not!

The blue Thunderbird driving around the track with the gates hanging from either side like a ghetto airplane lines up the horses. As they start racing, we start screaming and yelling again. Everyone around us is laughing. We are more entertaining than the horses. In the end, my horse finished second and Megan's last. Like I said, you never know. That is why it is called gambling.

After the race Becky starts cheering on the John Deere tractor that was cleaning the track. She is really into this horse racing stuff! The people on the bench next to us were rolling. We were having way too much fun with this. Turns out, Megan really likes horse racing too and would like to do this once in awhile. I was glad to hear this because I could afford to bet on horses. You can make a whole day out of $20-$30 unlike the 30 seconds I spent losing $20 on craps about an hour later. That stung. It is also the most confusing game ever.

In closing, I thought it was really cool turning someone on to something new just like a friend of mine did for me two years back when he introduced me to horse racing. Megan can be our new horse betting buddy. And she is such a fun loving, awesome buddy. I love her. I really look forward to many more fun times at the track with all of my friends. Maybe one day I will actually be in Kentucky for the Derby rather than Pennsylvania. And the track will look exactly like what is being shown on the big screen TV. LMFAO! Ya never know right?

For all us amateurs out there that haven't a clue but love a good time.

Horse Racing For Dummies. 


Chrissy