#200 Try Golf

So, I suck at golf. No, Seriously. I really, really, REALLY suck at golf. There ain't no sugar coating this. I am that bad. This blog is going to explain exactly how devastatingly horrible I am at golf. You see, my company has an annual golf tournament every year. This past year, we were actually allowed to go. I noticed the sign up sheet on the bulletin board last July and, I walked right past it every single time. Then, one of my nearest and dearest, Schultzie, asked me if I was going to play.

I informed her that I hadn't a clue how to play real golf. Miniature golf, yes, I can totally play that. Real golf, well the closest I came to having any real knowledge of that sport was from the Caddyshack and Happy Gilmore movies. Never eat a Baby Ruth candy bar in a swimming pool and watch out for alligators because they will bite your hand off. That was the extent of my knowledge on golf.

Caddyshack = Golfing 101

Cindy explained to me that it was actually a lot of fun. She said a lot of people play in the work tournament without having much golfing experience. Yes, there were going to be some really good golfers at the tourney, but there were also people like me going as well. She also told me she would help me. Golfing was on my bucket list but I had always figured I would be bored one day and just try golfing on my own. (I am so glad I did not attempt this on my own.) Golfing in a work tournament however, made me very anxious, not gonna lie.

I asked her how much it cost to play. She said it was free. Ooooh! Huge selling point! I asked her if I needed golf clubs. She told me they had rentals (free) but it couldn't hurt to bring some. I made a mental note to ask my brother if I could use his golf clubs. She also said I would get free golf balls and maybe a hat or T-Shirt. The minute she said there would be free stuff I was totally down. Sign me up! This was all free so it was totally for me. I also felt a lot of reassurance knowing she would be there with me.

I became excited for this golf adventure because I did not have much planned for the summer. This was going to be a new experience for me and I couldn't beat the price. It was something to look forward to. I was going to check another item off my Bucket List. Yes, I was still very anxious but I tried not to think about it too much. It would be okay. Once the list of teams came out, I felt even better. We were playing in teams of four. Cindy and myself were paired with Joe and Carl from our warehouse. They were both experienced golfers and also very nice co-workers.

I spoke to some of my other co-workers that were playing in the tourney. Turns out, there were quite a few of them going that had never played golf before. I felt my anxiety wash away completely. It was nice to know I wasn't going to be the only newbie from our warehouse on the green. A week before the outing, we were given a dress code to follow. Shirts with collars and khaki shorts or pants were to be worn. No problem. I ran to Walmart and bought a black polo shirt and a khaki skort for my outfit. Yes, I bought a skort. I couldn't believe it. I actually really like it too. Never say never right?

I drove over to my dad's after my trip to Walmart to ask my brother if I could borrow his golf clubs since this was going down for real. My dad and I were sitting at the kitchen table talking when my brother walked in. I made the announcement that I was going to be playing in the work golf tournament and can I borrow his golf clubs.
My brother's reaction:

My brother upon my announcing I would be attending the work golf tournament.

Billy (dead serious): " No Chrissy. Don't do that. Don't do that to them."
Me (confused): "Do what?"
Billy: "You don't know how to play golf.  Why would you sign up for that?"
Bill Sr. laughing.
Me: "It's not a serious golf tournament. It's a fun one. A lot of co-workers are going that don't know how to play golf either. And, it's on my Bucket List"
Billy (making a face at me): "You really are something else. God bless your co-workers."
Bill Sr. laughing even more.
My brother digs out his golf clubs then comes back.
Billy (dead serious): " I have a golf tournament next week. Do not break my golf clubs or I will break you."
Me (confused): " How would you even break a golf club?"
Billy (laughing): " They can break. And knowing you, you will find a way to break them."
I'm not even going to argue this because he is completely right.
Me (quietly, looking at the floor.): "I won't break them."
Billy: "Chrissy I swear to god you better not break any of them. I need them for a golf tournament next week."
Me (louder now): "I am not going to break them!"
Billy: "You better not!"
Me: "Alright!"
Billy: "I mean it!"
Bill Sr. still laughing.

My brother

My brother loaded his golf clubs into my Jeep while warning me 700 more times not to break them. My anxiety levels were once again pushing Def Con 3 thanks to little bro. So much for that. I went into work the next day and informed Cindy that I had golf clubs but my brother would kill me if I ruined them or broke them. She started laughing. She said she believed there would be enough rentals available but that I could also use her golf clubs. My anxiety levels went back down to non existent.

I stayed over Cindy's the night before the tournament since it was near Allentown and we needed to be there by 7:30 am. Tee time was set for 8:00 am and they are very strict about Tee time. It was also going to be a scorcher. We were in the midst of a heat wave. The forecast was 92 degrees for Hazleton that day. Add about 5 more degrees for Allentown. I am not at all a fan of temperatures in the 90s. I hoped it would not make the day unbearable.

The next morning, we woke a little after 5:00 am, packed our coolers and began our journey to Allentown. We made it to the golf course for a little past 7:00 am. We signed in, received our free bag of goodies, then headed to the bar for some breakfast. Bloody Marys. We also found the golf cart assigned to us. This was too exciting for me. I could not wait to drive that puppy. I walked around and said hello to my fellow co-workers. It was an absolutely beautiful, sunny morning. The sky was a gorgeous shade of blue. I could also feel the temperature rising.

My favorite part of golf.....this little beast right here!

I pulled up my weather app to check the temperature. It was 87 degrees and it wasn't even 8:00 am. I knew I would be in dire need of liquids with the pending heat. Thankfully, our company provided us free bags of beer, soda and water bottles. We also noticed that just about everyone else had coolers with them. Cindy and I were a little hesitant about bringing out our coolers because it was noted not to bring our own coolers or alcohol. However with this heat, we were going to need them just to store some ice.

I heart golf carts!

I ran back to the car and grabbed both our coolers. I walked over to the beverage station and took a bag of beer, some diet cokes, and a few bottles of water. I also filled another bag with ice. Cindy placed the coolers on the back of the cart and filled them with the ice. She also got golf clubs for us. I did not have to worry about breaking my brother's. Praise Jesus! Finally, we got the green light to head to our assigned holes on the green.

Bloody Marys in hand, Cindy lead the way. I had no idea where we were starting. Turns out it was Hole  #4. That confused me a little since I thought we all had to start at Hole #1. It did not dawn on me that 60+ people all starting on the same hole would take hours. Common sense eludes me so very often. Sighs. I was also becoming anxious again. I started worrying that I would not be able to hit the ball very far and that I would be the reason it took my team two hours to complete a hole.

Our awesome team! Lots of laughs and fun that day!

There were other things I should have been more concerned about, but I will get to that shortly. Cindy, Joe, Carl and myself drove over to the hole. Another team was with us. Ann Marie I had the pleasure of meeting on my visit to Quakertown. She was such a sweetheart just like Cindy. Mitchell used to work at my facility. Mitchell was now working as a manager at another Quakertown facility which I had also visited. He's a good kid. It was very nice to see him and Ann Marie. Their team played the hole first. They were a complete riot. We were having so much fun already and we didn't even hit a golf ball yet!

Unfortunately, that was the last we would see of the other team for the day because they were always one hole ahead of us. I sucked down the rest of my Bloody Mary then prepared for my turn at bat. Oops. Wrong sport. I prepared for my turn to putt. I watched Joe and Carl hit their golf balls out of the park. Yea, wrong sport again. Let's just say their golf balls flew very far down the green. Cindy did very well too. Then it was my turn.

So now we come to the part where I should have been more concerned about other things besides how far I could hit the ball. These were important things. Things like say, being able to get the ball to stay on the tee. So, that took me about five minutes. Those little golf balls were slippy. Carl came over and adjusted my tee so that the ball would stay on it. After we successfully accomplished that task, it was time for me to take my first swing.

It went down like this:
Swing # 1: Oops. I missed the ball.
Swing # 2: Oops. I missed the ball again.
Swing # 3: Oops. I got my club stuck in the ground.
Swing # 4: Wow. Look how much air I got on that clump of grass.
Swing # 5: Carl, laughing hysterically, comes over and shows me how to hit the ball.

Yea....this was so much me.

The clump of grass went further down the green than my golf ball did but it was a start. This was going to be a looooong day for my poor team I thought to myself. I headed towards Cindy. She was in the golf cart. I told her we wouldn't have to drive very far to where my ball landed. I also confided in her that maybe this was a big mistake. I felt horrible because it was going to take me all day to get my ball up the green. She laughed and told me that we all started at the point where the ball that was hit the farthest landed.

This was the best news ever!!! I cracked open a beer to celebrate and I don't even like beer. I also filled my now empty Bloody Mary cup with a wine spritzer. We stopped the cart to scoop up our balls then drove to the spot where Carl's ball landed. It was pretty close to the hole. I am not sure what the name of the shorter, turf like grass that surrounds the hole is called, but I was able to utilize the mini golf skills I've acquired over the years on this turf. I could work with this. It only took me 3 swings to get my ball in the hole. Yes!

I cracked open a Diet Coke to celebrate. I also finished my wine spritzer. The beer I opened five minutes earlier was already gone. They were smaller cans so I gulped that one down in a few swigs. Man I was parched. I was also taking over the wheel of the golf cart. Woohoo! I was going to drive the golf cart. Cindy explained what I needed to do and off we went, jerking the first few feet until I got my sea legs. I apologized for almost giving her whiplash. I apologized a lot that day.

Bloody Marys. She made them nice an strong.

At the second hole, things did not get much better for me. I improved on my setting the ball on the tee skills but it still took me a few swings to get the ball off the tee. When I finally did connect, the ball only went about five feet. Joe on the other hand, was so close to having a hole in one this round. We finished this hole pretty quick. We hopped back in the carts and drove to hole number three. The breeze from whipping around on the golf cart was so welcoming. It felt so good. I really was enjoying driving the golf cart around.

It was at the third hole that I lost my first golf ball. I finally got some air on it and sent it sailing into the woods. I hoped I didn't hit any small animals in the head with my runaway golf ball. That would have made me very sad. My team struggled a little on this hole. We also had a random group of men, not associated with our company sneak up behind us. Cindy heard them make some cracks about the two of us. We told Carl and Joe. They got pissed that the Judge Smails crew was heckling us. We decided to just let the guys pass us and play the next hole first.

The heat was taking it's toll on all of us. I checked my phone. It was 92 degrees out. We were dumping bottles of water down our backs. By the time we finished the fifth hole, it was 95 degrees. We were also completely out of beverages. Mostly we were out of them because I drank all the beers and sodas in the cooler. They guys still had some of their beers but I decided not to steal them. Well maybe I did steal one or two. Who knows? We drove back to the club to get our free hot dog and replenished the beverages. It was nearing 11am. We still had 13 more holes of golf to play. I didn't think I was going to make it. This was going to be a long day regardless of how much I sucked at golf.

Truth.

As we headed to our sixth hole, I was down to one golf ball. ( I have great aim at trees for some reason.) My putting game was also getting worse. I blame Coors Light for this. My golf cart driving skills however, were on point. I could stay here all day driving the cart. I wondered if they had places where you could just drive a cart around big, manicured lawns. That would be sweet. I also stopped trying to figure out which golf club to use for each swing. It was too hot to think that hard. I was now using the putter for all of my shots. I held onto that club like it was my bitch. Me and you baby, we will get through this together.

Me by the 7th hole.

Somehow I managed through the seventh and eighth hole without passing out from heat exhaustion. I stopped apologizing for how bad I sucked too. It was just a given. I must say, the guys were very patient with me and I was so thankful for that. They really put me at ease. Cindy was absolutely wonderful too. We were having a blast giggling and chatting and enjoying the day despite the heat. It had to be 115 degrees out by now. I stopped checking. I didn't want to know. I started drinking water. I had no desire for anymore beer and there were no more sodas left.

Once we hit the ninth hole I heard Joe say, "Last hole everyone. Let's make it a good one." I turned and looked at Carl. I asked him why Joe said this was the last hole. I thought there were 18 holes in golf. Carl laughed and said we were only playing nine holes. I am pretty sure a single tear of joy rolled down my cheek. This was the best news ever. Wrap it up people. I have a date with some air conditioning and a Bloody Mary. I didn't want to go home, I just wanted to stop playing golf.

We finished the ninth hole pretty quickly. With a heavy heart, I drove the golf cart back to the club. I was going to miss my little buddy. He brought so much joy to my day. Cindy and I returned our golf clubs then headed to the pagoda where they were serving food. I had no desire to eat anything though. We made our way to the air conditioned lounge, where I pretty much remained for the rest of the day.

This is true.

A bunch of my co-workers were also there. We were having a total blast. Drinks were flying. Shots were being thrown back. By the time I was hungry, it was too late. They had already packed up the food in the pagoda and left. A few of us ordered food from the bar. It was delicious. We stayed there almost four hours. Eventually though, it was time to go. If we didn't leave soon, we were going to pass the point of being able to drive. I was starting to get emotional too. The combination of alcohol, dehydration and sunburn was not helping matters.

My lovely driver Cindy packed me into her car and got me back to home base. I thanked her so much for such a fun day. It really was a great experience. The next day was not so much a great experience. I woke to excruciating pain in both of my lower arms and wrists. I have never had pain like that in my lowers arms. My wrists yes, but not my arms. The pain was so fiery and intense that I was crying. I popped two ibuprofen. They did nothing for me. I popped a third one. Nothing. The pain was unbearable.

I found my icy hot and slathered it all over my arms. It helped a little. I was no longer sobbing but I could still feel the sharp throbbing. My daughter brought down the leftover prescription Motrin she had from when she had a wisdom tooth pulled. I had to wait a few hour before I could take it but the count down was definitely on. Could all of this pain come from my swinging a golf club I thought to myself? Maybe. I honestly had no idea. All I knew was this pain was a complete surprise.

The rest of the afternoon, I lay on my couch alternating a bag of ice cubes between each arm. Once I was able to take the prescription Motrin, the pain faded. Unfortunately it wore off about an hour before I could take more. I was in tears again. I grabbed the icy hot and kept slathering it on my arms. I smelled like a nursing home on date night but I didn't care. Easing this pain was my only concern. Of course I managed to get some icy hot in my eyes too. Shocker. That felt great. FML!

Before bed, I was able to take another Motrin. I woke up in the middle of the night from the severe pain in my arms once the medicine wore off. I was able to take another Mortin and fall back to sleep in less than an hour. Monday at work was rough. I was still in pain and very tired. I asked some of my co-workers that also played golf for the first time if their arms hurt. They all said yes. The pain had to be from swinging the club. By Monday evening, the pain had lessened enough to where I could just take two ibuprofen. The pain did not go away completely for another two days.

As much as I had a good time playing golf, I will never be a regular golf player. I am not even sure I would sign up for another tournament. The heat was bad but it was the pain I was afraid of. I have a very high tolerance for pain so when a pain makes me cry, I know it is bad. I'm sure aging and becoming a professional slacker over the last two years played a part in this as well. Knowing me though, my name will be on that sign up sheet again just so I could drive the golf cart. We shall see.

In closing, I genuinely had a blast trying to play golf but it most certainly is not something I will do on a regular basis. I do see why so many people enjoy playing it though. It's a fun and relaxing sport. You get to spend time in the fresh air. You get to drive a golf cart. You get a nice little work out. It helps you focus and stay sharp. It's a great sport. I totally get it. I just suck at it. :)

Chrissy