#311 Watch The Sun Set On A Beach

The beach, oh how I long for it. There is something so cathartic about a visit to the beach. It heals me. It restores me. It puts my life in perspective. Granted I am not your typical beach goer. I only go on the beach in the morning or the evening. I am not a fan of crowded beaches. I am not a fan of sitting on the scorching sand as the big ball of fire in the sky turns me into a boiled crustacean creature. The Irish part of my ancestral lineage does not enjoy it one bit. So, I try to avoid the beach between 11 am and 4 pm.

Besides, the real magic that the beach beholds, in my opinion is during dusk and dawn. For this particular blog, I am going to talk about the beach at dusk. I've been on the beach many times at dusk, but this particular time, I was by myself. My kids and I were spending an early June weekend in Wildwood, NJ. I had booked an ocean front hotel in the Crest. It wasn't the fanciest or most modern hotel but the price was right and the view was gorgeous.

My view for the evening. Serenity now!

We had spent the day walking the plank, enjoying the world famous boardwalk food and shops. It was a surprisingly hot day, so we were drained. I grabbed a pizza to bring back to the hotel. The kids turned on the AC and started watching their goofy TV shows, which are actually quite funny. I ate my pizza and stared out of the big picture window towards the crashing waves rolling along the shore. The sand looked so soft and cushy. The sky was a stunning shade of blue. A voice was talking to me. It was the beach.

"You look so pretty in your sun dress but I know your legs are tired from walking along all those rickety wooden boards. You're exhausted mentally, emotionally and physically. Come sit with me. Breath me in. Take in my beauty. Relax. Unwind. I will remove the weight of the world from your shoulder's for a little while. I will tousle your long, beautiful hair gently in my breeze. I will soothe the lines on your face with my mineral rich, salty caress. I long for your company on this beautiful evening. You should not spend it alone."

"Oh and fill your water bottle with some of that awesome Red, White and Blue wine you purchased earlier in the day. You deserve a nightcap."

OMG The beach really was talking to me. In fact, I think it was totally flirting with me. It was good too, real good. I found myself all blushing and bashful, hiding my face behind my slice of pizza, giggling like a school girl. And the whole bring some wine in a water bottle line, genius! I was so much going on this date. How could a girl say no to such poetry? I gobbled a few more bites of pizza and started getting ready for my big night.

God Bless America!

I dumped out the little bit of water left in my water bottle from the drive down. I started pouring the wine into the empty bottle while getting some serious side eye from my son. He just shook his head with disapproval and went back to watching TV.

My other water bottle was filled with ice tea. Perfect. I had my beverages. I decided to keep my sundress on since I was sure I would want to wade in the waves. It would eventually get chilly though, I reminded myself. The wind on the beach can be very gusty. I grabbed my hoodie and zipped it over my sundress.

I shoved everything I needed for my date into the pockets of my hoodie. I turned to my kids and informed that I would be sitting on the beach in case they needed me. They both nodded but my son also threw in some serious stink eye with his nod.

Before heading down for my date, I stopped at the car to grab one of the canvas bucket chairs stored in the back. They had built in cup holders which would be perfect for my beverages. I hoisted one of the chairs on my shoulder by the strap and headed down the wooden walkway towards the great, vast Atlantic.

Once I hit the sand, I kicked off my sandals, scooping them up with my fingers. Walking through the deep, soft sand isn't the the easiest thing to do, especially if you are a bonafide clumsy person like myself. Somehow though, I managed to not walk like a dinosaur too much. The sand was definitely working my leg muscles but not in a painful way. It was more therapeutic in nature.

My bare little feet gripped onto the slippery grains below them with each step I made. It felt soooooooo good. I was careful to look for broken shells, glass and some of the other crap you find on Jersey beaches. The Crest always kept the beach pretty clean so there weren't too many things I came across that could pierce my foot.

As I neared the coastline, I noticed that with the exception of a few people here and there, I pretty much had the beach to myself. Oh kids! How wonderful! The sand under my feet was now firm and wet. I assessed the waterline. I decided to set up my chair several feet away from the tide line. I dropped my beverages into the cup holders then covered them with my hoodie. Pretty sure it is illegal to have wine in a water bottle on the beach so I wasn't going to advertise my shady activities.

I turned and smiled at the waves. Hello lovelies! Allow me to come wade in your frothy angst. Slowly, I worked my way into the salty water. It was cold for about thirty seconds but my feet adjusted to the water temperature almost immediately. And if feet could smile, mine would be grinning from toe to toe. It felt very soothing on my sore tootsies. This was nice. I gazed up into the evening sky. The blue hues were growing deeper.

The clouds were glowing pink as the sun began it's slow decent into the ocean. I stepped further into the salty waters. I started kicking water up into the air with my feet, splashing around like a child. I inhaled deeply, my lungs loving the spring time ocean air. I glimpsed some bigger waves a little further in. I smirked. I was holding my sundress up as far as I could without risking a citation for public indecency. The hemline was completely soaked but I didn't mind one bit. In fact, I wanted those waves to rock my world.

Dusk on the Crest.

As each wave approached me, I turned my back to it, allowing it splash up over me. I was laughing hysterically, screaming as each wave crashed into me. A father and son walking past me laughed and waved. "Look at the crazy lady!" they were probably thinking. Or maybe they were thinking, "Look at her living in the moment." Who knows. It doesn't matter.

I waved back to them just as a huge wave snuck up on me, almost knocking me over. I have no idea how I managed to keep my balance but I did. I was now completely drenched from the waist down. I glanced towards my chair and noticed the tide making it's way closer to it. I began waddling my way towards the sand.

I won't go any further than waist deep into the ocean anyway because Jaws will get me. Seriously, I can't see what's in the water. A shark can totally come up and bite me. I'm not taking that chance. I looked down the line at some boys who were not afraid of Jaws. They were way out in the water. Sighs. To be young and brave again I thought. Not me. As much as I love frolicking in the waves, I will only go so far. Bruce aka Jaw's first victim was a girl named Chrissy. I take that shit for real. He wasn't getting this Chrissy.

As I was making my way out of the water, a couple walked by. The woman asked me if the water was cold. I told her at first it was, but it didn't take very long to get used to it. She smiled, thanking me. They made their way over to the life guard chair and climbed up to the seat while I made my way to my chair to push it back. I also wrung out the bottom of my dress. It was a light material so while it was soaked, it wasn't heavy or uncomfortable.

I sat in the sun and started sipping at my shady water bottle filled with wine. The woman had climbed down from the chair and was now frolicking in the waves as her man watched, laughing. I smiled. The beach surely does bring out the kid in many of us. A gust of wind suddenly whipped against my skin making me shudder. The temperature was definitely dropping so I wrapped my hoodie around me. The couple had begun making their way further down the beach.

Letting it all slip away for awhile. 

I turned my attention to the endless water and allowed my thoughts drift. The morning drive through Philly was very stressful. I was hoping we would have missed the morning rush of traffic but we did not. We spent an hour in it. I felt that lingering tension slip away. I let a lot of built up tension and stress that I had been carrying slip away with each wave that ceded back into the ocean. Eventually all of it was swept away. I knew it would only be temporary but I was glad it was gone, even if for a little while.

My chair began to sink further into the sand. I looked down at my feet. The tide was rolling further onto the beach. I was surrounded by water. I decided I was not going to move my chair just yet. I wanted to be surrounded by the water. I pulled out my phone and snapped a few pictures, adding some selfies to the mix.

I examined my face in the pictures. My thoughts were mapped all over it. My face was tired but calm. There was a touch of melancholy in my eyes, but there was also this serenity and peace in them. My smile was relaxed, relieved even. I could even see how much better my breathing was by looking at my face. There wasn't a trace of anxiety in this moment.

So at peace with the world this evening.

I took another swig of "water" and began scanning the ocean for dolphins. Last year in Cape May, my daughter and I had spotted dolphins from the shoreline. Unfortunately there were no dolphins bobbing out of the water this time but there were some boats cruising around on the horizon. I tilted my head back in my chair and closed my eyes. The sound of the crashing waves became crystal clear. I sat there for twenty minutes, eyes closed, breathing deeply, just listening. The water was embracing my ankles as my chair sank a little deeper into the sand.

This is the closest I get to actual mediation. Yes, I can make myself zone out for a few minutes. And sometimes I get so absorbed in what I am doing that I no longer notice anything around me. I believe it's called focus but I honestly don't know much about that anymore. I used to be able to command myself to focus but now a days it's a futile effort. I'm just happy if I can zone out some of the background noise now. I am so attuned to everything going on around me. It has a price though.

It has been recommended to me more than once by friends, medical professionals, and even complete strangers that I learn how to meditate. Thus far, I have been an epic failure in that art. I can slack off like nobody's business now, but even in my slackerdom, my thoughts are in several places. My mind is a repeat gold medalist in racing thoughts. I cope with it. I accept it. I am thankful for the moments when I do zone out completely. It is what it is.

I could enjoy this view every single day.

Anyway, I digress. When I opened my eyes, it was definitely dusk. The sun had begun kissing the water. It was so unbelievably peaceful and that is magic to me. I finished my bottle of "water" while savoring every single moment that my head was completely void of any thought. I found myself grinning at this pure bliss I seldom experience. All but the very top of the sun had disappeared into the dark water. My sunset was now complete and boy was it an amazing experience.

I rose from my chair, being careful not to drop my phone into the calf deep water. It took a few tries to remove my chair from the suction of sand and water but I managed to free it without falling over into the water. I started my walk back towards the hotel. The lights were now shining bright in the dark grey sky. I rinsed the sand off my feet in the little foot shower by the steps from the beach onto the the hotel patio.

When I entered the room, both kiddos were still watching TV but they were also definitely half asleep. I went into the bathroom to change. I decided not to change into my pajamas though. The huge $400 a night hotel across the way had a band playing outside on their deck. It's was classic rock band and they were really good. My hotel had lounge chairs lined up at the edge of the patio facing the beach. I decided to go outside and lounge in one of those chairs to enjoy the free entertainment. It was also a perfect night for star gazing.

Sailing ships floating by.

I refilled my water bottle, grabbed my blanket and headed out to the patio. For how cloudy it was earlier, the sky was crystal clear now. I laid down on a lounger, covered myself with the blanket and looked up into the pitch black sky. Mars was in orbit very close to earth. I can't remember the last time it was this close to Earth, but it had definitely been awhile. I spotted the red planet immediately although it's faint glow looked more pink than red. My eyes shifted to the right of Mars. Jupiter was also glowing brightly in the night sky. How wonderful this night has been, I smiled to myself.

The band next door started playing "Simple Man". I had seen Lynyrd Skynyrd perform this song live a few years back. I'll never forget it either. The whole crowd had tears running down their faces. It is such an emotional song. At the concert, the band played a montage of all the band and crew members they have lost over the years above the stage. Johnny Van Zant's emotional vocals reflected the still lingering pain of the brother he lost in a plane crash. The entire band played with their whole heart through the entire concert. If you have never seen Skynyrd play live, it's a must. They are true musicians who give their concert goers an amazing, genuine, from the heart, rock show.

I began reflecting on my life. When we reflect on ourselves we think of many things. We recognize the choices we shouldn't have made. We ponder the choices we should have made. We remember the opportunities we allowed to slip away. Would I call them regrets? Not necessarily. The phrase "directional misguidance" seems more appropriate. Many factors play into making decisions and depending on your personality type and how much influence you allow into each decision you make, sometimes we inadvertently make the wrong decision.

Taken Sunday morning. Hazy, beautiful beach and waves.

We realize that perhaps some of the goals we wanted to achieve, we did not pursue wholeheartedly.  I do believe hard work and persistence pays off. But when you find yourself working very hard at multiple things and life is hitting you with unexpected challenges, sometimes the last thing you need is something else in which you have to work hard for. We only have so much time and energy to dispense. Do we do a bunch of things half assed and accomplish very little to nothing? Or, do we make a choice to focus on the goals most vital to us?

We are all different. Some people can handle an overflowing plate just fine while others, like myself, need to remove a few items from our plates. There is no guilt in removing items from your already full plate, yet many of us succumb to a feeling of guilt anyway. We need to get a better grip on how much we allow guilt to affect us because in all honesty, if given the power, guilt can cripple us completely. We also need to not compare ourselves to others so much. Why do we do that to ourselves when in reality, none of us are exactly the same?

There is nothing more impossible than being exactly like someone else. And competing with someone else is the perfect recipe for total self destruction. I'm not talking about sporting competitions or friendly wagers or other contests. I am speaking of competing against other people in a day to day aspect. We are all born with our own unique talents and gifts and attributes. Why do we spend so much time wishing we had someone else's? Yes, we are also born with our own set of flaws and limitations. We need to ask ourselves why we focus so much more on our flaws instead of our gifts? I was so guilty of that for a long time. Not anymore.

If someone feels they need to compete against me, that is their problem. I have no interest anymore in that shit. If someone makes me feel like I have to compete, well I don't have time for that shit either. The only person I am interesting in competing with is the person I was yesterday. Is it okay to admire a quality about someone? Yes. Is it okay to be influenced by certain characteristics another person may have? Of course. Sometimes we become better versions of ourselves by taking example from the positive traits of others and utilizing them within ourselves. That is always a positive thing. Trying to become someone else entirely is a negative thing.

I think this was the first time I ever saw the beach like this. It was stunning.

As for your life, sure, you can map out it out. You can set goals. You can have dreams. That is good stuff. You should have some goals and dreams. And sometimes things will go according to plan. But sometimes it will not. You may not achieve all the goals you set out to achieve but instead, you may achieve something completely different yet equally rewarding. Sometimes better. You may eventually achieve a goal only to realize that you no longer want it. Sometimes we grow out of things. Sometimes we grow past things. That is okay. Evolution wears many hats.

I know this blog is long and I have delved a little deep, but it supposed to be this way. This is part of the magic. This is part of the calm and clarity I find in my mornings and evenings spent on the beach, or in nature in general. I used to find this very serenity and clarity sitting on my back porch on spring and summer nights when I lived in my old house. I could sit there for hours, a glass of wine or ice tea in my hand, watching the little animals and birds playing. I would take in the smell of the grass and flowers. I would watch the birds flying from tree to tree. I once witnessed a Chikadee brawl go down.

Sometimes I played music in the background. Sometimes I would eat my dinner on the porch. I barely turned on the TV. My TV was the view outside. When I had to move, I lost that ability to give myself peace and calm and clarity. Since then, I have been searching for a way to find calm and clarity in my day to day life. Something that will work for me. This is a goal I need to pursue more fervently. But, let's get back to the beach.

I thought about my life. Not much went according to plan. Many of the paths I found myself on were rocky and steep. Some of them were impassable. Sometimes I found myself doing a 180 and climbing back down to the bottom, seeking another path. Not all were bad though. In my travels through life thus far, there have been many unexpected paths. Some of these paths had beautiful vistas and incredible scenery. Paths that have changed me for the better. Paths that have made me stronger, grateful and resilient. Paths that have given me a new point of view. Paths that have changed my life completely, beneficially.

Our Wildwood Crest Adventure

The path I was on tonite was one that changed my perspective. I had been feeling like I was stuck in this huge engulfing cloud of negativity. I was certainly surrounded by a lot of negative energy on a daily basis. I asked myself, what part of this could I control? The answer was simple. I could control my reaction to it. I could control how much energy I spent thinking about the negativity. I knew it was definitely going to take some time to learn this behavior but I also knew it had come to a point where I had to change for my own well being.

Yes, there were going to be missteps and painful days. That was okay. As long as I fought through those days, and practiced resiliency, it would become easier to digest these moments. Now that my game plan was set, I shifted my thought to the all the happy stuff. I sat in that lounge chair reminiscing on so many unexpected good times I have had in my life.

I didn't even notice the band had stopped playing until my ears tuned in the sound of the ocean. I loved that sound. I thought of all the good I have in my life. I thought about all the opportunities I have been able to take advantage of. I thought about how incredibly strong I have been. My weak moments did not define me, my strong ones did. I looked forward to making more memories, enjoying new experiences and surviving another day.

Crash into me. 

Sitting there, on that gorgeous night, I was so happy to be me. I realized that I wouldn't trade any part of my life for anyone else's for one second. That is what the sunset on the beach did for me. That is what real magic feels like. As I write this, nearly 8 months later, I have been able to keep this magic in me. I've tripped. I've fallen. I've found myself at a complete standstill. But, I have not gone backwards.

All I have to do is think of that night on the beach and how at peace I was with life and it brings me calm and serenity. Eventually I will find other ways to bring calm and serenity to myself as well.

And that my peeps, is the story of a sunset on the beach.

Chrissy